Another Day of Thinking | veryrandomgirl8's Blog

This last month or so, something has been bothering me a lot. I've gained quite a lot of weight. I'm not sure how much though, because I don't have a scale with which to weigh myself. I feel like it's the most I've weighed in about 3 or 4 years though. It's depressing. I'm usually around 130 or so, I would say my ideal weight would be somewhere within the 115-120 range, but now I am so much further from my goal than ever. At one point last winter I got my weight down to 123 and I was super happy. I am probably now weighing in around 143-145.  Ouch!!! I worked so hard last year and the year before to get in shape and now it's worse than ever.  What have I done? It's going to take me forever to work that off. I honestly feel like an unattractive blob now. I don't have a favourable body type either, so I don't carry the weight very well. I have determined that I think I am an apple body shape and I am kinda short too (5'5) so it's not looking good. This is the amount of chub that makes me not want to go out in front of other people to exercise. It's not like I am grossly overweight. In fact I believe I am still within my healthy BMI range, but it feels worse to me.  I feel so self-conscious these days, it's really hurting my self esteem. I felt self-conscious enough when I was down to 123.

   I suppose this is a bigger problem to me than for some people because when I was little I was very skinny and I got used to it. I pretty much looked anorexic really and for some reason I absolutely loved my body back then. I used to touch one of my thumbs to my shoulder blade and freak my sister out because it looked like I was growing wings or something. I thought it looked cool though. I loved how thin and dainty my wrists looked and how muscular my legs were. I liked how I could see all of my ribs when I sucked in, I liked how my pelvic bones jutted out a bit and the skin stretched so gracefully over them. I haven't seen that for a long time. It's not like I want to look anorexic though. The models on the runways these days look too skinny to me. I just want to have a healthy looking body like this.

I don't think that's unhealthily thin is it? Is it so unrealistic?

   I also now have problems with everything else about my appearance that I used to love. I used to like how big my eyes were, how straight my teeth looked in comparison to my sister and brothers, how tanned my skin was, how my hair looked, even how my feet looked.  It's not like that now. I pretty much hate all of those things now (I'm not tanned anymore, so I can't even like that. I would be crazy if I disliked being tanned). Even my prized overly large eyes look bad to me now due to the darkness underneath them and I am not skinny anymore.

   I wasn't actually anorexic when I was little though. I ate plenty, I was just naturally thin. I got really sick once when I was four and I ended up in hospital. I lost so much weight that they thought I was gonna die. I guess from then until I was 12 or so I was a pretty skinny kid. I was also pretty active. I spent most of my time outdoors biking, running around, walking, climbing trees, playing catch or soccer and things like that, so I was naturally healthy. I used to take swimming lessons too and I was trained by a nationally successful athlete, so it wasn't easy. Now I am fairly certain that I have asthma, so I don't go near chlorinated pools much anymore even though I love swimming. If I spend more than 2 hours in a pool I might have an attack. Those are scary let me tell ya.
  I still love biking and my record so far is 75 kilometers biked at once. I like walking too and my record for that is 24 kilometers at once. My record for running is 13 kilometers at once. It's not like I can't do those things. I just don't. I guess perhaps I've gotten lazy. I don't remember how to truly enjoy exercise like I did when I was little. I used to know how to push myself when I used to swim. I used to just be able to keep going when I got tired. Now I feel like I might die and I hate it so much sometimes that I won't do it. Hopefully, someday in the spring when I can run outside again, I will get up the courage to go run and not care what people think. It's for the sake of my health right? Mental and physical. I have to fix this.

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