Another Day of Thinking | veryrandomgirl8's Blog
This last month or so, something has been bothering me a lot. I've gained quite a lot of weight. I'm not sure how much though, because I don't have a scale with which to weigh myself. I feel like it's the most I've weighed in about 3 or 4 years though. It's depressing. I'm usually around 130 or so, I would say my ideal weight would be somewhere within the 115-120 range, but now I am so much further from my goal than ever. At one point last winter I got my weight down to 123 and I was super happy. I am probably now weighing in around 143-145. Ouch!!! I worked so hard last year and the year before to get in shape and now it's worse than ever. What have I done? It's going to take me forever to work that off. I honestly feel like an unattractive blob now. I don't have a favourable body type either, so I don't carry the weight very well. I have determined that I think I am an apple body shape and I am kinda short too (5'5) so it's not looking good. This is the amount of chub that makes me not want to go out in front of other people to exercise. It's not like I am grossly overweight. In fact I believe I am still within my healthy BMI range, but it feels worse to me. I feel so self-conscious these days, it's really hurting my self esteem. I felt self-conscious enough when I was down to 123.
I suppose this is a bigger problem to me than for some people because when I was little I was very skinny and I got used to it. I pretty much looked anorexic really and for some reason I absolutely loved my body back then. I used to touch one of my thumbs to my shoulder blade and freak my sister out because it looked like I was growing wings or something. I thought it looked cool though. I loved how thin and dainty my wrists looked and how muscular my legs were. I liked how I could see all of my ribs when I sucked in, I liked how my pelvic bones jutted out a bit and the skin stretched so gracefully over them. I haven't seen that for a long time. It's not like I want to look anorexic though. The models on the runways these days look too skinny to me. I just want to have a healthy looking body like this.
I don't think that's unhealthily thin is it? Is it so unrealistic?
I also now have problems with everything else about my appearance that I used to love. I used to like how big my eyes were, how straight my teeth looked in comparison to my sister and brothers, how tanned my skin was, how my hair looked, even how my feet looked. It's not like that now. I pretty much hate all of those things now (I'm not tanned anymore, so I can't even like that. I would be crazy if I disliked being tanned). Even my prized overly large eyes look bad to me now due to the darkness underneath them and I am not skinny anymore.
I wasn't actually anorexic when I was little though. I ate plenty, I was just naturally thin. I got really sick once when I was four and I ended up in hospital. I lost so much weight that they thought I was gonna die. I guess from then until I was 12 or so I was a pretty skinny kid. I was also pretty active. I spent most of my time outdoors biking, running around, walking, climbing trees, playing catch or soccer and things like that, so I was naturally healthy. I used to take swimming lessons too and I was trained by a nationally successful athlete, so it wasn't easy. Now I am fairly certain that I have asthma, so I don't go near chlorinated pools much anymore even though I love swimming. If I spend more than 2 hours in a pool I might have an attack. Those are scary let me tell ya.
I still love biking and my record so far is 75 kilometers biked at once. I like walking too and my record for that is 24 kilometers at once. My record for running is 13 kilometers at once. It's not like I can't do those things. I just don't. I guess perhaps I've gotten lazy. I don't remember how to truly enjoy exercise like I did when I was little. I used to know how to push myself when I used to swim. I used to just be able to keep going when I got tired. Now I feel like I might die and I hate it so much sometimes that I won't do it. Hopefully, someday in the spring when I can run outside again, I will get up the courage to go run and not care what people think. It's for the sake of my health right? Mental and physical. I have to fix this.
There are no comments on this post yet, be the first to leave one!
Previous PostsBoobeez, posted May 29th, 2014
The Dragon In Me, posted May 25th, 2014
Next Move, posted May 22nd, 2014
Jaded, posted March 11th, 2014
Lost, posted March 7th, 2014, 1 comment
Odd People, posted March 4th, 2014
Worthless, posted March 3rd, 2014
ER Error, posted February 26th, 2014, 1 comment
Childhood, posted February 24th, 2014
Why I Embraced Feminism After Hating the Label for so Long, posted February 24th, 2014
Medication Mayhem, posted February 23rd, 2014
The Child Inside Confession#4, posted February 23rd, 2014
Andrew, Simon, Chris, posted February 22nd, 2014
My Chocolate Man, posted February 19th, 2014
Dangerous Thoughts, posted February 17th, 2014
The Child Inside Confession#3, posted February 7th, 2014
First Post of 2014, posted February 5th, 2014
Birthday Blues, posted October 28th, 2013, 1 comment
Pet Antics, posted October 26th, 2013, 1 comment
When It's All Over, posted October 21st, 2013, 1 comment
Yuck, posted October 11th, 2013, 1 comment
A Letter To My Rapist, posted October 7th, 2013, 1 comment
New Experiences & Bad Experiences, posted September 23rd, 2013
What Is This?, posted September 20th, 2013
Update, posted September 17th, 2013
In My Own Little World, posted September 15th, 2013
The Bike Ordeal, posted September 15th, 2013
The Child Inside Confession #2, posted September 14th, 2013
The Child Inside Confession #1, posted September 13th, 2013
A New Plan, posted September 10th, 2013
Bad Driver, posted July 10th, 2013
Scraping By, posted June 12th, 2013
Best Friends Forever?, posted June 2nd, 2013
Just What I Needed, posted June 1st, 2013
Dancing Again, posted May 17th, 2013
Better Days?, posted May 16th, 2013
My Ex Boyfriend Story, posted May 10th, 2013
That Ugly Feel, posted May 4th, 2013
Thank a Drunk Lady, posted May 1st, 2013
Burnt Out, posted April 29th, 2013
Strangers Say Hello, posted April 26th, 2013
Strange Day, posted April 25th, 2013
Preparing For Exercise, posted April 20th, 2013
Follow up to my earlier post, posted April 17th, 2013
Looking Back Over My Blog Posts, posted April 17th, 2013
Sunny Day Blues, posted April 16th, 2013
Breakdown, posted April 3rd, 2013
Reflections, posted March 28th, 2013
Worst Day Ever!, posted March 8th, 2013
Feelin' Good, posted March 1st, 2013
BlogrollHere are some friends' blogs...
HelpEmbed Photos Embed Videos
Will You Break The Rules Because Of Something Or Someone You Care About?
A fun new question each day. Winners get trophies and points.
Respond and Vote Now!