veryrandomgirl8's Blog

Today, I officially am the poorest that I have been for probably over 5 years. I am a very careful person when it comes to my money, and I am usually careful enough that I have not allowed myself to get into any kind of sticky situation when it comes to my finances. This year is different though. I've spent pretty much all of my savings and I am down to just 18 dollars in my bank account. I probably don't need to point out that 18 dollars is not enough to pay my rent for next month. It's barely even enough to buy a week's worth of groceries. What's worse? I can't even use all 18 of it because there is a minimum requirement of 5 dollars to keep my bank account open. That leaves me 13 dollars to buy food with. Yippee....It's a good thing I still have flour and stuff to make biscuits because it looks like i'm gonna be living off them for a couple of weeks lol. I am so glad that I know how to bake, otherwise I would be fucked. 

I could literally list on my two hands the things that I have in my apartment that are edible. I suppose I won't starve though. I don't actually have enough of anything or the right ingredients to make any kind of full meal that I can think of, but partial meals are better than nothing I guess. I suppose I will just have to get creative. Luckily, I am not a super picky, super high maintenance person so I don't care if my food is not optimal. As long as my stomach stops growling lol. 

Why am I down to 18 dollars though? I blame it on my debit card. When I was younger and I didn't have a debit card, I kept a very careful watch on my bank balance and on how much things cost. I monitored every penny that I spent, budgeted it all and never bought anything that I deemed to be unnecessary or frivolous. Now that I have a debit card, I find I am much more prone to overspending or even perhaps forgetting what the cost of something was. I sometimes find myself not even looking at how much the total amount owed is on the debit machine screen and just pay whatever it is without thinking. How unlike myself. I don't know if I am the only person to do that, but I am certainly not being as careful with my money as I used to be. I think I may go back to paying for things with cash so that I actually have to think about what I am doing and so that I can see the physical material money being given to the cashier. I think that's what I need to do. 

It's not like I spend my money foolishly though. Over the past six months I have spent it on food, rent, utilities, books for school, tuition and housewares like mats for my bathroom or what have you. I thought after I bought my bath mats that they were not indeed completely necessary and that I was not any happier after buying them really. I guess I do like having them, but I should not have bought them. They were unnecessary. 

I attribute this unusually silly expense on the fact that I seem to expect that I can live in the same level of comfort that my father and mother could provide even though I am a student, I have not had a job for over a year and most people my age are getting by with much less than I have. It's also kinda like when I get depressed I buy things to make myself temporarily happier. It does work a little bit, but in the long run it's even worse.

I seem to think that I have to be at the same standard of living as always, or else I will be dreadfully unhappy. I suppose in a way it is true. I am not as resilient as my older sister and brother when it comes to living simply. I don't have a TV, but really who needs a TV these days if you have a computer and an internet connection? I think right now, if I could maintain my apartment and the way things are for me, I could be happy to live this way for the rest of my life. I do not live extravagantly or anything, but it's comfortable enough. I suppose in comparison to what some people can afford it is extravagant, but I mean I am not rich or well off by North American standards.

I do know that I am doing much better than my older sister was doing at 20. She is not much for planning ahead though and she spent all her money on booze, so there was a reason that she wasn't doing as well. She's jealous of me now because I actually planned ahead so I have decent appliances and housewares. She hates me for having that stuff because she is always scrounging around for stuff and buying things at thrift stores. I admire that about her though. She knows how to stretch a dollar. She can survive with very little and she is always fairly happy with her circumstances. She doesn't really complain anyway. I wish I was as tough and resilient as she is sometimes. But then again, I would rather not have to live by stealing bread and meat from grocery stores to make it by. She doesn't seem to mind doing that. She can rationalize anything. She doesn't seem to feel guilty about stealing things from department stores or businesses that make big bucks by stepping on the little guys. I sort of see her point, but it's still a crime. I would never have the stones to do that.

I laughed the other day when I realized that I haven't worked in over a year. It makes me feel like a sleazeball. I was fired last February from my last job and spent the entire spring and summer being fairly depressed and living off of employment insurance. I was living with my Dad, so when I found out that I had to stop my EI in order to qualify for government funding for school, it was not much of a hardship to do so. I had mostly been saving it up for later anyway. I feel like I am totally playing the system or taking advantage of it or something, but most people I've talked to about it have told me that I am smart to make it work for me this way and they seem to be of the opinion that if their taxes are going to go towards anything, then they would like to see it help me or other young people by giving them a leg up. Now that I have failed one of my college courses I feel especially guilty because now I feel like I am wasting taxpayer money by not succeeding. I suppose I am, but at least I am not buying 45 billion dollars worth of fighter jets. The amount of money that is being spent on me is a tiny drop in the bucket in the scheme of things.  More money has been spent on sillier things.

From another angle, I feel somewhat proud that I can say that I saved up enough money and planned ahead well enough to be able to go a year without working. What 20 year old can say that they payed for two months of rent and living expenses with nothing but savings? The ones with rich parents usually. But they didn't have to work in a crappy minimum wage job to get that money. It's not so often people from my low income/ lower middle class family type of upbringing can do something like that, let alone a "silly young person".  I put the forward slash in there because I am not sure where my family stands in terms of income threshold. It's complicated since my parents aren't actually divorced, but they don't live together or share income. If they were actually divorced and my mother lived alone then she would be middle class, but my father is classified as low income and I've lived exclusively with him for 6 or 7 years. My childhood was a middle class childhood though. My parents were living together then and they had more disposable income. My mother hadn't yet racked up as much debt and my father was still a stay at home Dad back then. My mother has worked for the federal government for over 20 years, so she has always had a steady income and a decent paycheck ever since I can remember. She can't afford to do anything with that nice paycheck now but to pay her own rent and pay off her credit card debt. When all is said and done, there is very little left to share.

I think today my financial situation has been bothering me because, if you've been paying attention to my previous posts, you'd know that I am struggling with depression right now. I went to a doctor's appointment today to find out if I could get medication for it. My doctor gave me a prescription for anti depression medication and sleeping pills. I suppose I will have to be careful with the sleeping pills, but I am glad that I will have them. The reason my 18 dollar bank balance comes into this though, is that I was worried about whether I could actually afford to get the prescription. It would be shitty if after all this trouble, I didn't have enough money left to help me get better. My father called a little while ago though and assured me that if I am covered under my mother's health insurance plan, then I will not have to pay for the prescription. That's a relief. I gave up my college plan last October because I thought I would rather use the $300 dollar fee on something like books. Of course I didn't do it before making sure that I still would be covered under my mother's plan. 

I'm feeling kinda good today. I feel victorious in a way. Like I have finally succeeded in something. I think if I can survive this next couple of weeks, then I will be fine. It won't be too much longer 'till I start my job. I may have to ask my Dad to loan me a few hundred dollars to pay the next month's rent though because I won't get my first paycheck in time to pay it. Either that or I will see how understanding my landlady would be if I asked her to wait an extra week for her money. I imagine she would, but I can't be totally sure. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to ask.

Anyway. I think I will go eat a biscuit now :P I've tried to get a hold of my older brother because it is his birthday today, but he's a hard man to track down. I guess I'll have to try to call him again. *awkward silence* 

Okkkkkk bye.

I logged on today wondering what I might write about. I usually don't have to think too hard because most of the time when I write something here it is because it is on my mind. Today I am just bored, so I was trying to think of things to do and I guess writing is just one of the best pastimes I can think of. 

I have decided that I am going to write about my two best friends. I decided this because as I was inspecting my groups looking for topics I saw something scroll by which caught my eye in the recently joined groups thing at the top and that was "I miss my ex-best friend". I thought about joining that group for a second, but then I decided not to because it would make a better blog post than story I think. I also was thinking that my ex-best friend may be my best friend again some day.

So now if you are wondering what the deal was with this ex-best friend of mine I'll tell you. Her name was Sarah. We are actually second cousins, but since I only met her when I was in my teens I think of her more as a friend than a cousin. We met when I moved from my original home to the place where my father still lives now. It was the community that Sarah had grown up in and I had only met her once when I was quite young. I didn't even realize that she was my cousin. I remember the first time that I talked to her I was at the beach with my family. I struck up a conversation with her and we swam together for a while just talking about girl stuff I guess. I don't remember what my awkward 13 year old self talked about really. 


Over time we saw more and more of each other. My older brother and sister and I used to get a bunch of the kids in the community together to play manhunt. We didn't discriminate according to age or anything because we were home schooled and quite used to being in diverse groups of people. It wasn't in our nature to exclude any able bodied kid from playing with us. Plus, for a good game of manhunt, you need as many people as you can get. We even used to get kids from miles away to come out on friday nights and play.

If you are not familiar with the rules of manhunt I will explain them briefly. There are generally two teams of people formed and it is basically a big game of hide and seek tag only it is during the night time and it is on teams rather than a free for all. Since we lived in the country, there were plenty of good places to play. Generally it would be in someone's yard, but when I say yard I mean yard, woods, fields etc. Wherever you could find a good hiding place. The team that was seeking would have flashlights and if they spotted you, you had to run as fast as you could to the designated base and try your very hardest not to get caught. It often felt like you were a gazelle being chased by lions. The point of me mentioning our manhunt games was to explain that every kid in the community who was allowed to be out after 11:00pm would be there and that included Sarah.

When I turned 14 I decided to go to public school finally. I was tired of being left alone all day with my little brother helping him do his work and trying to learn mine on my own. I was tired of being my Dad's secretary too. I decided it was time to have some structure. I started in the second semester of grade nine and I hated it. Well, I sort of hated it. I liked that I already knew a good number of the kids that I was in class with. A lot of them had been a part of our manhunt games at some point or else I had seen them at teen dances before or knew them from visiting friends or going to birthday parties. It was an easier transition than most people could hope for. 

My friend Sarah was a year younger than me though, so I didn't see her in school during the first year. I only really saw her on the bus, but we would usually sit together. It was the next year that we really started to be close friends. She and I would do these pointless walking loops around the school during break times and just chat. I guess it's what a lot of kids did. Just walked around and talked to everyone. I would go to dances with her and my other best friend, Chelsea. I was never really drunk, but neither was Chelsea so it worked out ok. They would come over and hang out at my house and we would just talk. That's pretty much all it took to entertain us. In the summertime we went to beach bonfires together. We were almost inseparable. 

I never really got how that worked though, because we all had such amazingly different personalities. If you knew us each individually, you might not think we'd get along. Sarah was fiery and demanding. A bit infuriating sometimes, but I guess Chelsea and I just got a kick out of her because she was so bold. She was not afraid to be herself and she almost never stopped talking. Sometimes she'd talk so long on one breath I'd think she should have passed out. She wasn't super girly though. She was actually a bit of a tomboy most of the time. She always told me that she didn't like girls and she'd rather be friends with guys. She always said that she thought hey were way less catty. She was a bit of a drama queen as well though and she hung around with guys that I didn't really have any use for. She loved to drink and she often got in spats with other girls. I usually avoid people like that, but for some reason I didn't avoid her. She was really small though. She was about 5'5 and 115Ibs so it was sort of funny how feisty she was for such a small, weak looking person. I found her fun and she was always a pretty loyal friend. We never fought and there was never any drama between us. She would never refuse you if you wanted to hang out either. 

My friend Chelsea was similar in ways I suppose, but just in the ways that you would think would make her not get along with Sarah. Chelsea was really pretty, flirty with guys but not slutty, very sure of herself and she had a very colourful personality. She was wacky in a good way. She was creative and she loved to have fun. She could get very attached to guys though. She was the kind of girl who, once she was in a relationship, it was hard to separate her from her man for a girls night or anything. She would always ask if her boyfriend could come along. Usually I was friends with her boyfriends too so it wasn't that big of a deal, but it was slightly annoying at times.

She had a very sober side to her though. She could be very compassionate but very tough with people at the same time. She was a planner like me I suppose and although she was more spontaneous in her actions than I would be, she was still quite cool headed and dependable unlike Sarah who would lose her cool and make rash decisions. It always felt like the three of us were a great trio though and we always had fun together. I always kinda felt like it took both myself and Chelsea to rein in Sarah sometimes, but I guess neither of us really minded being her sober thinkers. 

As soon as Chelsea and I graduated it changed drastically. Chelsea went off and did her own thing. She was studying tourism and hospitality and even though we were only an hour apart, we sort of lost touch. I would say that it was mainly my fault. I am not that great at keeping in touch with people and when I get depressed it's even worse. I suppose that fall I was depressed because It felt like I was the only one who was not going to college right away. Instead, I stuck around home with my Dad and went back to high school for a couple of courses. This actually reunited me with Sarah because, as I said before, she was a year younger than me and so I was back in school with her doing our laps of the school and talking the way we always did.

Once she graduated it really fell apart. She didn't have a plan for her life except that she wanted to get out of her parents' house. I still hung out with her and whatnot until she moved away. She started sharing an apartment with Chelsea. It was trouble from the beginning. At the beginning of the year Sarah had gotten into a relationship with a passive aggressive and physically abusive guy. I met him only once and he creeped me out really badly. He came across like a bit of a psychopath or something. You could tell that he had complete control over her without even trying. She had always had trouble with relationships. She has the "fixer" trait. She always went for guys who had problems. Guys who needed fixing.

She was the supporter of what she perceived as the underdog and this time it got her in worse trouble than ever before. All year I worried for her. Her mental health was deteriorating and the stories she told about how they would both be drinking and driving scared me. Finally it came to a climax in about November of that year. She was roommates with Chelsea and just like me, Chelsea didn't like Sarah's boyfriend too much. I guess from what I heard, Chelsea told Sarah that she didn't want her to have her boyfriend in their apartment because he made her feel unsafe. I mean, I probably would have felt the same way. I think it turned into a heated argument though and Sarah was extremely offended. She packed up all her stuff and left. She got an apartment a half hour away from me with her boyfriend and the next time I saw Chelsea I got the whole story.

Then one day while I was working at a coffee shop, Sarah came in to see me. I hadn't heard Sarah's side of the story and I was afraid to ask in case she jettisoned me out of her life as well.  She told me that she had an ulcer in her stomach and so she hadn't been eating. It was apparent to me that she was severely depressed even though she would never admit that. I didn't tell her that I thought so either because she would have thought I was full of shit. She would have thought it was none of my business. I remember of sitting down with her in the middle of my shift and talking while my boss glared at me from behind the counter. He yelled at me that he needed me to get back to work, so I didn't have adequate time to talk to her. I just remember that she left and as I was leaning out the drive through window giving someone their coffee, she yelled something to me. I asked her to repeat it about three times and I still never heard her. I am not sure to this day what she said, but I guess it must have been god damn important because the next time I tried to talk to her she ignored my texts even though I knew full well that it was the right number and that she was seeing them. 

I was confused as to why she had boycotted me now too, because as far as I knew I had not said anything to insult her. I guess when a person is being controlled by someone else, you don't have to say anything at all. I was mad and disappointed with her. I still am I guess. I don't understand how people can be so oblivious to how they are being manipulated into being totally isolated. I guess I was mad that she didn't have an 'aha' moment. We haven't talked since that day at the coffee shop over a year ago. So there goes my two best friends. One is on the other side of the world and I hardly talk to her anymore because I feel like we have almost nothing in common now and all she wants to do is talk about her boyfriend. The other one is refusing to talk to me. 

The only reason I got for why Sarah won't talk to me was third hand word. It came to me transmitted through her brother to my sister to me. My sister said it had something to do with me "ruining all her plans" or something like that. I have no effing clue what plans I ruined, but that's Sarah. She's not always the most rational person in the world. I don't know if we'll ever talk again, but I guess I would like it if we could. Maybe she is over her grudge by now. I do know that she is not with her abusive boyfriend anymore and in fact she is testifying against him in court for an assault that he committed on some other guy. I am happy to hear that. I think her life is mostly back on track. I just don't know if there is any room for me in it anymore.

I spent the last week visiting my Dad and my little brother. It was somewhat impromptu really. My therapist asked me what I was going to do over the weekend and I told her that I was going to go visit one of my aunts or uncles. I wasn't really sure that I would actually go through with that plan though. Later that day (Friday) my Dad called me and asked me if I was going on the bird count. I had totally forgotten about the bird count. I decided that I would go up for that. I brought a couple of changes of clothes with me and it turned out I should have taken more with me because I ended up staying a whole week. I was also a little annoyed that I didn't think to bring a sweater with me. 

The bird count is a family tradition. My Dad, two of my uncles, one of my aunts and a friend of the family do this thing every year. They used to call it the birdathon because it is an entire day of birdwatching. We go around from place to place in about a 50+ kilometer area with our cars and binoculars and try to spot as many different species of birds as we can. One of my uncles has always been very passionate about ornithology and I've often wondered why he didn't study to be a biologist. I think the whole reason we go on this expedition every year is because of him. My family is very tradition oriented so they just enjoy the outing and whatnot. I enjoy it too I suppose. It's nice to have a reason to be outside all day. I've been involved in this tradition since I was little too. My father purposely involved me and my siblings in it so that we could gain an appreciation for nature. 

I think my favourite birds to spot are:

The Blackburnian Warbler


The American Redstart Warbler


The Bald Eagle


The Northern Gannet


The Common Merganser because of the female's funky crest and the male's beautiful green head.


The Blue Winged Teal


and The Northern Parula Warbler


I managed to see all of those birds and I also am amazed to say that we saw 10 Bald Eagles in the same place. Absolutely insane. We do live near a fishing port though, so they figure the reason there are so many is because the fishermen dump their old bait (silversides and mackerel) in the water and it's easy food for the eagles.

We have basically a list of places that we go every year to look for birds. Each one has been chosen for its habitat and of course the previous year's experience of whether we were successful in finding many species there. There is no set time limit to look for birds. We just stay there as long as we have the patience to and it all depends on how much hope we have of finding something. My uncle started going on bird counts when he was in his early twenties I believe. He told me that he's been doing it for about 40ish years.

The purpose of the bird count is to keep track of the species in the area and if there are any unusual sightings or newcomers to the area. It helps to monitor those things in order to understand the overall change in climate, habitat etc. These things are monitored by the government. It's the same with butterflies and dragonflies. People go around collecting samples of those as well to get an idea of populations, species and distribution. I've done a bit with dragonflies and butterflies as well, but that is a challenging job. They have to be caught with nets which can take quite a while, then put in a labeled envelope, frozen and then given to the governmental biologists. It's more time consuming than a bird count.

On bird counts you just take one day that is prescribed for your whole area and on that day, people all over the area will spend the entire day going around counting species. This is what we do. We even pack a picnic so that at lunchtime we can stop at one of our favourite spots and eat a good lunch. It makes it kinda fun. There are always tuna sandwiches, cheese, homemade cookies with strawberry jam centres,crackers and consommé which is made from beef broth and sherry. I don't know why, but the consommé is a traditional thing to have and it is absolutely imperative that it is included. Don't ask me why. I guess my family just really loves it. It's been that way since before I was born.

Then after the bird count it is always a tradition that we have supper at my uncle's house and we have lobster with melted butter, and coconut cream pie for dessert. I guess you might as well go whole hog when you've spent the entire day walking around being eaten by black flies and mosquitoes. It doesn't sound very fun when I describe it that way, but it does have a tendency to get a bit miserable at times. This year it was raining on and off all day, so that was kinda annoying, but there were hardly any bugs because of it which was a positive.

The rest of the week was mostly sunny and warm. My little brother then performed in a spring concert for his school and I attended of course. I had only been planning to stay up for the weekend, but when my little brother told me that he had two concerts this week, I figured I better just stay a little longer and go watch him play. He's in the school band and he plays the french horn so I had to see that performance on Thursday. Then he played his electric guitar for the spring concert on Wednesday. I was the photographer for all that so I got some good photos. Then later yesterday I spent the evening walking around taking pictures of the scenery and the sunset. It was nice. The weather was sunny and it was the hottest day so far this year so I was sweating a lot. My favourite little cafe also opened yesterday. It only opens for the tourist season from June to September so it's always a bit of an event when it opens for the season. Every kid in the community plots to go there on opening day every year.

I picked my little brother up from school and he was quick to express his gratitude to me for saving him from a long, noisy, stinky, hot bus ride home. We went straight from there to the cafe and had our favourite meals with their signature dessert. It was quite a good day. 

Today I felt cranky though. I guess that might have had something to do with the fact that it was overcast and gloomy today. I also was a bit miffed because of a misunderstanding that occurred with my father. I feel better now though. I've eaten some birthday cake oreos and now I am just lying on my bed with the blankets over me and I feel fairly comfortable. It feels good to get back to my apartment. It's funny how it feels like home to me now. I appreciate the quiet more now since I have had to live with my brother and father for the past week and put up with their mess. Then also you sacrifice a good amount of privacy when you are living with family. I like my privacy. 

Now I guess I will end this blog here. I have nothing else that I really need to be doing but I can't write infinite blogs, so I am trying to find a way to finish this off elegantly. It's not working. It's just sounding choppy and awkward. Ok.....

Peace out.

These are the best/prettiest actresses according to me. I know I have a very long list of crushes on male actors, so I thought it only fair that I include some women now. These are the actresses that I have a girl crush on or I just think are great at what they do and have a good personality. I think they are mostly either extremely talented, beautiful or both. They are the girls whose looks I would kill for lol. I have great respect for all of them.


I'm not sure who to put at the top really. Maybe I just won't rank them.

 Kristen Kreuk (Smallville, brief appearance on Chuck) because I think she might be the most beautiful woman alive. She has the kind of eyes I wish I had and her skin pretty much glows. Like, wow. Jealous. It also doesn't hurt that she hails from the same country as me.
 
 
Two Rachels

Rachel McAdams (The notebook, Sherlock Holmes) I think she is stunning and I lover her laugh. It is almost musical. I can picture her as a really awesome mother for some reason lol. She was really good in the notebook and I am proud that she is another fellow Canadian.
 


And Rachel Weisz.(The Bourne Legacy, The Mummy, Definitely Maybe etc)  I always just think she seems like a nice person. She has an extremely expressive face as well and I like her acting.
 
 
Jennifer Lawrence of course. (The Hunger Games, Silver Linings Playbook) I admire her for being herself. She is also just naturally charming. I think she has a great personality and she is a very good actress as well. I give her major props for beginning to redefine what a role model for women and girls should be and for daring to wear little or no makeup to a party full of famous people and still looking amazing. Plus there was her refreshing sense of humor with regards to her well publicized Oscars fall and how she handled that with grace and a bit of spunk. What person male or female doesn't have a crush on Jennifer Lawrence right now?

^This was not how she handled it btw. I just thought it illustrated her fearfulness pretty well.

Marion Cotillard (Public Enemies, Inception, The Dark Knight Rises) because she is just very naturally beautiful and I always admire actors/actresses who act in 
a language that is not their first language. Plus she is good at what she does and she has a sexiness that I wish I had lol.
 

I'm going to include Audrey Hepburn as well even though she is long deceased because she was a really great actress. I liked the quirkiness of her characters and she was also beautiful of course. I like that old fashioned classiness and charm. Then I also admire her because she had a rough early life and she seemed to make it ok just the same so I think she was inspirational as well. (My Fair Lady, Breakfast at Tiffany's etc)


Zooey Deschanel. (Elf, 500 Days of Summer, Yes Man, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy)
 She has the most beautiful eyes and her smile is very pretty too. I think she looks somewhat better with light hair. I think she is a pretty good actress as well although her style and choice of characters is pretty predictable most of the time. I do like her individuality though even though she gets a lot of flack for being a hipster. I still think I might have liked her the most in Elf for some reason. I think every woman wishes they could sound as good as she did when they are shower singing lol. 



Emma Watson of course. (Harry Potter franchise, The Perks of Being a Wallflower) She is increasingly becoming the object of men's desires. I can see why though because she is beautiful and also quite clever and charismatic it seems. I like how she does not allow herself to be seen as a bimbo. I think she is another one of those women who is redefining what a role model is. I like that she went to college even though she didn't have to. I also like that she has not stopped at Harry Potter and allowed it to be the only thing that she is known for. I like how she has dabbled in fashion design, modelling and other acting jobs. I think she's got the acting talent that she needs to get past the Harry Potter blockade and I think that she is a smart cookie. It also helps that the world basically saw her grow from pre teen to adult over the course of the Harry Potter movies. I think it makes you almost feel like you know her. Then, also I have respect for any girl who can look this good with a short hairstyle.



Julianne Moore. I haven't seen much of her work, but I saw her in Magnolia and that was enough to tell me that she is a fantastic actress. She is also beautiful and she looks a bit like one of my teachers from high school.



Emilia Clarke (Game of Thrones). She is another one of those radiant beauties that I would categorize with Kreuk, Deschanel, Cotillard and McAdams. She just looks very fresh and she has nice eyes. I think she is another one of those actresses who is not a bimbo. I like her character on Game of Thrones and I think she is talented. Plus last time I checked she was dating Seth MacFarlane who happens to be one of the crushes that I listed, so good for her lol.



Gwyneth Paltrow.(The Iron Man franchise, Shakespeare in Love, Country Strong)  It helps that she is married to one of my crushes, so I am glad to let her have him lol. I like her because she also seems like an intelligent person. I think she seems like a very dedicated mother which is nice. She comes across as being very down to earth. I think she really won me over in Country Strong. I was surprised because I kinda watched it by accident and wasn't expecting much (one of those random movies that plays on the movie channel, yuh know) but I thought it was really well done. I was especially impressed with her singing abilities. I loved her in that movie and I don't even like country music that much. She is, of course, beautiful as well in a sort of nice girl way. She looks like a religious clean living person or something. I think she has pretty fantastic fashion sense too. Or else she has a very very good stylist. I like her clothes is the point lol.



Then we have Audrey Tautou. I know her only because I watched Amelie on TV once and she totally won me over in that movie. I loved it. She had a very old fashioned way about her or something. She also has that radiant fresh kind of beauty. She looks sort of modest in a way, but her eyes make her look like a doe or something.



Then there is another brown eyed beauty. Winona Ryder. I like her because she has substance. I may have subconsciously chosen the word substance because she has some substance abuse issues as well I believe. She has a bit of a dark side with her Beverly Hills shoplifting spree and everything, but for some reason that doesn't surprise me or bother me that much. She has some pretty good acting talent and I thought that her character in Black Swan was very well portrayed. I also have a soft spot for Edward Scissorhands and I like that she worked with Tim Burton who happens to be my favourite director. She is a bit different, so I appreciate that.



Charlize Theron. (Hancock, Prometheus, Snow White and the Huntsmen) She is another one of those women that you wonder how anyone could get that pretty. I think that she also has a pretty good head on her shoulders. I like her acting too and there is that short hair admiration again lol.



Then there is Isla Fisher who I think is quite quirky. I really liked her in The Wedding Crashers because she was quite funny and also in Definitely Maybe because she was great in that as well.


Cate Blanchett (Lord of the Rings, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button etc) because she seems like a proper lady and I like her film choices. She is a very talented actress.


Meryl Streep because she is an inspiration. I think she is beautiful and talented and I am impressed that she is still doing so well at her age. I think it is tough, especially for women, to make a go of the film business once they get into their 50's, 60's and beyond.  I hope I still have that much energy and commitment when I am her age.  I didn't expect her to be in a movie like Mamma Mia, but she really did a great job in that too lol. 


and how could a person leave out Betty White. She is hilarious, beautiful and I hope I am as cool as her when I get to her age haha. Come on, how can you not smile when you see her?


Now I am going to include a couple of much younger actresses that I like. 

The first will be Annasophia Robb. I remember seeing her in Because of Winn Dixie, Bridge to Tarabithia and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I think she is a good actress. I was surprised when I looked for photos of her to discover that she is only a year younger than me. I was really shocked to see her all grown up lol. She is still very pretty and I always thought she looked pixieish. 


Saoirse Ronan, whose name is pronounced Sair-sha lol. I first saw her in Atonement and I thought she was a great actress then. She has since become even better. I was also impressed with her acting in The Lovely Bones and Hanna. I like her choices in movies and she has not yet been overly sexualized by the media, so that's nice. I hope she stays that way. She is still pretty young, so I feel like once she is old enough that guys won't feel pedophilic to like her, then her media image may change. I just hope not. She is very pretty and she seems quick witted. I admire her for that.



Last but not least, we have Maisie Williams. I like her a lot too. She is still pretty down to earth even though she is now enjoying enormous success from Game of Thrones. I like how sharp she seems and even though she is very young, she is also surprisingly well spoken and charismatic. She is actually a fair bit like her Game of Thrones character, only with less anger and more tact.




Women in media jobs that I don't have much respect for include: Snookie, Miley Cyrus, Kim Kardashian, Taylor Swift, Megan Fox, Eva Longoria, Ashley Tisdale, Jennifer Aniston, Avril Lavigne and others. 

Some women that I do have respect for who are also beautiful that I have not listed would include: Rose Leslie, Emma Stone, Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman.

I might also include Kristen Stewart in that actually. I think that her acting is absolutely horrible, but she seems to have a brain in her head and I respect her film choices aside from Twilight. I think that she is a bit of a tomboy and she doesn't seem to mind being honest about that and true to herself so that is nice for a change. I also like her converse addiction because I have one too. So as a person, I think she would be cool to hang out with. As an actress, she sucks and Twilight both gained a lot of respect for her and lost a lot of it at the same time. I think she will have trouble being taken seriously now since her breakout was a hugely popular film franchise that has also taken an awful lot of flack.

She has a lot of haters is what I am trying to say. I just think that we should judge her on other things perhaps. Plus you have to wonder if you'd really be much better than she was in those movies. It's amateurish because she is still an amateur. I like how uncomfortable she looks in interviews because I know that she does exactly what I would do in that same situation. She fidgets, looks uncomfortable and bites her lip a lot. It's kinda refreshing because it shows how human she is. We are so used to those super confident, charismatic people in interviews so it's neat to see that they are not all that good at it lol.

Anyway, this concludes my favourite celebrity women post.
Here you go.
Hot off the press.

It has now been a couple of years since I've attended a wedding. The last couple of years for me have been peppered with funerals of various family members it seems. Well, today there was finally a wedding. 

My cousin got married today to a lady that I have only met one other time in my life and have never spoken to besides to say hello. It's not that she isn't a nice person, I just haven't seen her much at all. But today was all about them. It was nice to do a little celebrating and it occurred to me that this will be the last time for quite a while probably that I will be attending a family member's wedding. 

I had a great time today. I have a very big family and I love all of them, so it was really good to see everyone. Of course the dance after the wedding is always my favourite part. I love to dance and weddings are a good excuse to embarrass yourself with silly dance moves. It is always great because my family likes to get a bit silly as well. No matter how crazy I get, my little brother will always be crazier so it is never all that worrisome anyway. I just wish that when people danced, they would be as crazy as they could so that no one would feel embarrassed to be a weird dancer. If everyone is weird, who cares? People are so self conscious though. I always think that the more wonky you are willing to get at a wedding dance, the more fun you are as a person. I love when people are weird dancers because it shows me that they are just willing to have a good time and they don't care how they look to other people. Just as long as it's fun.

Another reason that I love weddings is that I get to dress up. It is one of those occasions where people expect you to look a little fancier and I guess I love wearing my fancier clothes so it is right up my alley. I bought some new shoes today for the wedding because I had nothing to go with my dress.

These are the shoes except mine are completely black including the heel.



And #8 in this picture is the closest dress I could find to the one I was wearing only mine has a thin black belt as well. 

I felt good in my new shoes and my nice little dress. I like to feel girly sometimes. The only thing that is a problem to me is that my dress is just almost too short to dance properly. I hate dresses that make it hard to move around on the dance floor without fearing that you are flashing people. I was a bit worried at times that I was flashing skin so I had to restrict my movement a bit, but I think I was successful in not showing people what they would rather not see. I hope I was.

Now that the dance is over, I am feeling pretty sweaty and gross. I still have tons of energy though because I slept in pretty late today. It's getting to be a pretty hard habit to break. Anyway, so today was a good day but I guess I better try to go to sleep now.

I'm going to tell the story of my ex boyfriend. No, it is not to whine or complain. He did not break up with me. I broke up with him. It's the reason that is the part I want to talk about. I know, I know, listening to people talk about their exes is sickening. This is a bit different though........I think. Its more about my pattern. Misery loves company.

My last relationship was an unhealthy one. It wasn't so much unhealthy in physical abuse or anything like that, but just that it was so wrong. I should have been smarter. Alarm bells should have gone off in my head right away. The relationship that I had before that, was conversely quite a nice one. It was a bit distanced, but it wasn't negative. It ended amicably. I just didn't have the feelings for him. My most recent relationship was not good though.

It was 2010 and I was preparing to graduate from high school. I was in stress mode already and it was only March. I was worrying about what I was going to do after school. All of my friends were sending off their credentials to schools that they liked, and here I was, no plan, no nothing. I was so depressed about it. I didn't even have a prom date. I had a dress, but no date. I made no hair appointment, no professional makeup, no limo, no nice car, no nothing. All of those things must be planned far farrrr in advance because everything is booked up if you don't. So everything was of course booked up when I started worrying about it. Shitty deal. I got left out as usual. I was the quiet kid that no one thought to invite to be in on their plans.

I should have realized immediately that a relationship with this guy was not a good idea. He was an acquaintance from years ago. He had moved in beside me just a year or so before I moved away. He was, by my recollection, a sweet boy. He had red hair and he was short, stocky and a bit chubby. He liked hockey.....and he liked me. He was too shy to tell me that before I moved though. I could always tell, It was just that I was shy too and I didn't want to say anything either. So nothing happened. Until that day in 2010 when he texted me. He wouldn't tell me who he was, so I spent a long time trying to guess by the clues he gave. Finally he told me. I had never even dreamed that I would be talking to him again. How did he get my phone number? He found it on facebook. Stupid me. Why did I put my number on facebook. 

Anyway, even though I kinda thought it was creepy that he got my number off of my facebook info, I was also equally excited to talk to him seeing as we had not talked to each other or seen each other for 7 years (And I thought it was fair game because I had put my phone number up there. I thought if I didn't want anyone to use it, I shouldn't have put it up there). We had both done a lot of growing in 7 years, so I was understandably curious as to how much he had changed, what he was doing now, etc etc. We talked for a long time and somehow ended up on the topic of depression. Another alarm bell should have gone off in my head, but it didn't for some reason. He just seemed to get me. He even liked the same music as me. It turned out later that I had fallen for a cheap trick. He had found my musical interests on facebook also and had lied about it to make me like him more. It was just a bad relationship the whole way through. It was April when we started dating. I went to prom with him, but by that time I was really starting to want to break up with him. If I had broken up with him before prom it would have put me and him both in a terrible position because we had already done all of the planning and he had his tux and everything already. I didn't want to do that, but I felt like a sleazebag for going to prom with him and then breaking up with him a few weeks later. What a horrible person I was. I really tried to make the best decision I could, but I was a coward. 

Now for the reasons that I broke up with him. First of all he had lied to me about a lot of the things that had made me like him in the first place, so that is no foundation for a trusting relationship. Secondly, he had major problems with depression that he only started to really tell me about once I was already neck deep in the relationship. I am prone to getting depression myself, so the fact that he was depressed was going to bring me back down to that level again while I was actually still fairly healthy at the time. I could feel him dragging me back into it with him.

He had ended up in hospital more than once because he had attempted suicide. He told me how he hated psychologists and how the doctors treated him. He told me about how he hated his parents and how they hated him. How his mother would threaten to kick him out. I knew that he needed help in a bad way, but I was not the one to provide it. I could not be his shrink. I could not be his Mother. He was doing terribly at school and had been majorly misbehaving and getting himself into all sorts of trouble which he would then brag about to me and I would try to gently indicate that I didn't think it was anything to be proud of. He told me of an escapade that involved drinking and driving and about how he stole his parents' car and crashed it into a fence when he didn't have a license. I was disgusted. I do not condone those sorts of things and when someone is out of control like that, I just recoil. I can't be with those people. I don't like them. I see no excuse for that kind of behavior.

One night was particularly disturbing to me though. We used to spend all night talking on the phone sometimes and this night he called me as usual. We were talking for a bit and he kept telling me that he felt so depressed. He was telling me about how he had lost all hope and that he was going to kill himself. He told me that he had cut himself. This was not as startling to me as it should have been as he had mentioned that he was a cutter. I didn't imagine that he was actually intending to kill himself that way. Eventually it got really scary though. I started crying and I didn't know what to do. It was 2AM and there was no one up. I told him that I would call the police if he tried to kill himself and he said that if I hung up he would slit his wrists and he would be dead by the time the police arrived. It was horrible. I was scared and I didn't know what to do. I was frozen and I just kept trying to talk to him. Trying to give him a reason not to. It's extremely hard to do. A person who is that depressed can pretty well think of a way to counter anything you say with something negative. It finally came down to me. I used myself as leverage. I told him that I loved him and I had to lie repeatedly to him. I told him that he couldn't die and leave me here. I told him it would be selfish. It worked somehow. Eventually after several hours of talking him down, he finally fell asleep with the phone on his ear and I hung up. All in all, it was a terrible terrible night and a terrifying experience. I never told anyone about it though. I didn't see any point. They could send him to the hospital, but as usual he would be no better off when he got out than he was when he went in. I felt a horrible knot of darkness in the pit of my stomach. That was when I knew I could not live with this person. 

The more we talked, the more I learned about him that I didn't like. I just felt that I could not ever love this guy. He was insecure and would always fish for compliments. He would use his depression to manipulate me by threatening suicide. Yes, he bought me gifts and doted on me. He and I talked daily and he payed me no end of compliments. But my affection cannot be bought. Gifts and compliments alone will not make me love a person. I need a connection. He was not what I would call an intelligent person and he never seemed to care about school, so I couldn't even carry on a decent conversation with him. It got to be horribly uncomfortable for me. The more we talked, the more attached he was to me. The more he would tell me that he loved me and that I was his dream girl.

Even today, he is still on my facebook. I don't know why I haven't deleted him yet, but every now and then he starts trying to convince me that if I just give him a chance, he will prove to me that he is different. He is always trying to win me back. I've learned to just not talk to him when he does that now. It is getting on my nerves. The last time he did it, I was sure that I made myself perfectly clear that I didn't want to talk about getting back together and he seemed to have understood. We had a normal friend conversation at first but then of course it turned into him trying to get me to give him another chance again. So that's how I learned not to give him hope. I will not talk to him now. It just can't do either of us any good. He needs to let go. I will probably delete him once I am done writing this because last week he made yet another attempt. The first in about a year, so that's impressive, but still. That's what made me start thinking about this and that is what will make me cut him out of my life completely.

The third reason that I broke up with him was that I was just not that physically attracted to him (Sad? Yes. Shallow? Maybe. Important to a relationship regardless? I would say so).  In the end I broke up with him and he threatened to kill himself yet again. I told him that he needed to find someone else. So that was the end of that nightmare. Every now and then it creeps from the back of my mind and into the light of my conscious thoughts again. I hate it. I wish it had never happened.

Live and learn I suppose.

I felt ugly today. Maybe it's because it's that time of the month. How can a girl really feel sexy when that's goin' on?  I don't think it's possible. I just feel gross. Yesterday I felt absolutely exhausted and I was ready to sleep by 9:00 even though I slept in. It's pretty much the same deal today too. It doesn't help my mood that I didn't really have any clean shirts to wear today, so I had to resort to wearing one of my older ones that doesn't fit me well anymore and makes me look kinda gross. Yes, it was clean but it was also one of the ones that I avoid wearing because it just feels bad. I'm sure it doesn't really look as bad as I think, but I don't feel good when I'm wearing it anyway. 

I went to buy groceries today, which I hate doing. I don't have a car so I have to walk from my apartment to the grocery store, which is a decent distance I guess. It's not the walking part that I hate though. It's the fact that once I get all of my groceries, they are just heavy enough that once you've been walking with them for awhile, they really start to hurt. They get awkward and uncomfortable. I always bring a backpack with me to put some of the heavier stuff in, but it's an old backpack that has these little grips on the bottom that are spiky. Now that the backpack is old it has lost its ability to keep its proper shape, so now when I put groceries in it, the spiky grips end up folding underneath and pinching me in the back. It's quite uncomfortable to walk a couple of kilometers like that with heavy stuff in it and more heavy stuff in my hands. With the exertion necessary to carry all of it, it also makes me really hot and I get sweaty, so once I get home I feel kinda cranky from the discomfort. At least it wasn't raining today I guess. I'm also glad to be able to buy that food. I get excited when I get my groceries home because it means that I actually have some good food to eat for once. If there is one thing that I use to tighten my budget, it's food. It's a very controllable factor, so sometimes I end up going hungry because it's one of the easiest ways to save money. Just don't buy as much. Other things like electricity bills are not so flexible.



 

So today was interesting, dare I say entertaining and it wasn't me who made it so. It's a beautiful, warm sunny day today and I woke up late. I lay in bed on my computer for a while watching Youtube videos and just generally being lazy as shit. Around 3:00 in the afternoon was when an interesting thing happened. I was chillin' on my bed being lazy as I said before and all of a sudden I heard this banging on the outside door of my apartment building. It was extremely loud and annoying and I just kinda assumed that it was one of the friends of the lady who lives above me who was being obnoxious as usual. It was either that or just some person who was on drugs or drunk, because that happens around here sometimes. People get weird every now and then. So I decided to just ignore it.

Then they started banging on my bedroom window. I live in a semi-basement apartment so I suppose it doesn't surprise me that much when people decide to pick my window to bang on, yell into, throw stuff at, whatever. I don't usually care that much. I just ignore them until they go away. Pretend I never heard anything. This was different though. This person was very persistent and they were loudly mumbling things that I couldn't understand. I thought then that it might be someone I knew just playing a joke and generally being an asshole.

Then they started scratching at the window and pulled the screen off the outside. They kept scratching at the glass but I was pretty confident that they couldn't get in. "My window is locked", I thought. "How could they get it open from the outside anyway?" I thought. But they did. At this point, no kidding, my first thought was "Haha so this is what a zombie apocalypse would feel like".

They opened my window which had  curtains and blinds drawn and proceeded to try to climb into my bedroom through the window. Apparently my window was not as locked as I thought it was. I stood up, flung up the blinds and stared an apparently very drunk woman straight in the eye with her leg half through my window now straddling the window frame (If it had been a zombie apocalypse, I'd have been the first casualty I guess). She started slurring that she wanted to talk to John and I said that John didn't live here and don't come in through my window. She continued to ask for John and asked me if this was apartment 101 or something like that. I couldn't really understand that well what she was saying, but I told her that this was not and that she had the wrong place and to please get out of my window. She finally did and I quickly shut it and locked it this time. She stumbled in the other direction and started banging on the door again but then came back to my window and started banging loudly on it once more. All I could hear was "mkljfl;asfokgh please?" "kjh;kasf;afj;asf please?". This time I really did ignore it and swiftly walked away. Apparently some lady noticed the ruckus and told the drunk lady that she had called the cops, then proceeded to come in through the front door to talk to one of my neighbours about it. My neighbour then escorted the woman off the property. Thank god. I like that guy. I don't see him much and I don't really know him, but I like his style. He always plays good music and I can hear it in the hall. It makes my day. But I digress. 

Since this event, the sensor for my new outdoor thermometer that I had placed in the window not one month ago has mysteriously gone missing so I can't see what temperature it is outside anymore. I wonder how that might have happened............. Anyway, I have this drunk lady to thank for giving me a story to tell and something to laugh my ass off at today. I think despite it being mightily inconvenient and slightly startling, that woman actually made my day. I laughed pretty hard after she left. 

Later on I went for a walk in the sun and I couldn't help but smile. Everyone and their dog was on the boardwalk today, which does bother me to some degree because I like my solitude and I suppose being the anxious person that I am I always feel like I'm being stared at in a large enough crowd. It makes my walk less enjoyable and my gait gets stiff and awkward. In the countryside where my father lives, it is much more peaceful and I don't have to worry about anyone staring at me. It's just me and nature, so I can relax and just enjoy myself. That's something that i've missed about the country since i've been away. It's a good thing to go for a walk anyway though. Face your fears an' all that  I guess.

I just wish that I could stand in one place and stare out at the water for 15 minutes without disrupting other people or feeling weird as i'm being stared at for being the only person who isn't either walking or sitting on a bench. It's considerably harder for a young person to not look weird doing that. Especially if you are alone because then there is just no excuse. Young people aren't supposed to enjoy nature right? We're supposed to be texting on our Iphones, talking nonsense with boyfriends or our female friends and doing the things that young people do. Who has ever heard of a 20 year old who just likes to stand still and watch the waves for 15 minutes in the evening? It's an odd person for sure. I might even have a better excuse if I was a pothead. Even if I had a dog so I could sit on the grass with it and just pet my dog. Anyway, it was nice to get out regardless. I've been cooped up in this dark little apartment for far too long. I feel like I've just dusted the cobwebs off me, coughed the dust out of my lungs and started anew. 

Today was the third day in a row that I spent pretty much the entire day working on an accounting project. It will be Tuesday tomorrow and this project was due last Friday. Then there's still another accounting project I haven't done, a short assignment, and two business communications projects to finish. I am beyond stressed and burnt out. This accounting project has taken even longer than I thought it would. It was supposed to be 35 hours, but I feel like I've spent more than that on it and it still sucks. It's disheartening to work that long on something knowing that it is not even good.

It's one of those projects where everything links together so if you notice a mistake and change one little thing, then you have to go searching around for all the 100 other things that you now have to change because of it. That's why it takes so long. I've made so many mistakes and spent hours fixing them and the project is still going to be absolute shit. I am even confused when I look at it. Imagine how my professor is going to feel when he opens that baby up. I don't have a lot of hope for a good mark or even a pass. Then my other project I imagine will take almost as long again. Then the three other things will probably take that long yet again. HOW AM I GOING TO LIVE!!??!! Stupid me. Why did I let this happen? Nothing I can do now but to keep slugging away until it's all done and hope for the best. Who knows if I'll pass everything or not.

On the brighter side of things, I went to a counselling appointment today and I felt good when I left. I cried a bit, which is always embarrassing in front of a stranger....or anyone for that matter. She was very helpful though and I have another appointment next week. It's strange to say, but I'm actually looking forward to it. She understands what is going on with me and I don't have to tiptoe around certain subjects like I would with a relative, friend or teacher. It's an absolute relief. I totally recommend to anyone who is having a tough time to go get counselling. 

So I only took a short break from my accounting project because I get confused if I work on it long enough. Even the simplest things start to look foreign, so I thought it would be a good idea to rest my brain for a little bit and let some of these thoughts out of my head and onto a page. I'm gonna have some coffee, water and something to eat now and hopefully I can finish this project before tomorrow afternoon.

Today was a rather gloomy day. It was cloudy and spitting rain. It wasn't even the warm kind of rain. It was the begging-to-be-snow kind of rain. I decided that, seeing as I was feeling rather gloomy as well, I should go for a walk and try to appreciate the day despite the weather. I went down my usual route. I walked down by the seaside on a boardwalk that has been there ever since I can remember. It's a popular place for people in my town to go for a walk. This was at 2 in the afternoon though, so there weren't a lot of people on the boardwalk seeing as they would mostly be in work, school or being busy at something else. 

I started my walk from one end and it started to rain. I had chosen a winter coat today because it was cold and I wasn't exactly expecting the rain. This coat had no hood. I was not pleased then about my choice in clothing for my walk. I had my earphones in listening to music and just kinda bopping along. I had no desire to walk fast. I just wanted to walk a normal kind of pace and enjoy the scenery. So as I was walking along, this man walked up beside me and I heard him say something although I was wearing noise cancelling earbuds so I couldn't decipher what it was. I pulled an earbud out and asked him to repeat it. It wasn't a very important comment by any means. It was about how we were going to get caught in the rain. For some reason though, the fact that he had made an effort to say something to me at all was good enough for me to smile about. I like it when that happens, because most people who walk on the boardwalk are either with people and are talking to them, are wearing earbuds (like me) or they are just so concentrated on their workout that they forget how use their face muscles to even smile at a person. Maybe there is a limit to how many muscle groups you can work at the same time :P Anyway, it cheered me up considerably to find that there are people who are friendly enough to talk to a complete stranger on a gloomy day in the rain. 

As I walked along, I could then see a man in the distance. He looked to be an older man in his sixties or so. He had a very unkempt look about him. Even though I felt bad for feeling this way, I was instantly suspicious of him. I worried what startling event might occur if I walked past him. Maybe it's because I am a woman, or maybe it's something else, but I have a fear of certain strangers if they look like they might be a bit insane. This man had a long white beard, shabby clothes and was really taking his time walking and would stop every now and then to stare out at the sea. Some people might see him as looking friendly because he looked a bit like Santa Claus I suppose, but I was a bit on edge.

Anyway, as I passed him he said something to me. Again, I didn't hear what it was because I had my earbuds back in. I took them out to ask him what he said. He commented that he had forgotten his earbuds and I commented that I had forgotten my hood. He laughed and told me that I could maybe go hide under a tree. I had a good little chuckle over that exchange as well.

He seemed kind enough. I wasn't about to stick around anyway though. I continued on my way and came home to thaw out. I'm still smiling about those two exchanges with strangers. Those are the kinds of silly small little conversations that I miss having with people when I worked at a coffee shop. They used to happen quite regularly there and they always brightened my day. I used to wonder if there is something about the way I look that makes people feel comfortable enough to talk to me when they don't know me, or if it is just the type of people they are that they would say that to anyone regardless of what they looked like.

Today was weird. Yesterday too, but today felt weirder. It's not for any particular reason. I just feel strange. Not like myself.

Yesterday evening I watched Dr. Zhivago....for the second time....all the way through. I love that movie so much. I can't even express. I suppose it's partially because I am a hopeless romantic, but it's also because I regard it as an incredible masterpiece. A wonderful, captivating piece of art. I sincerely wish that I could direct a film that was half as good. The brilliance of the director, the set design, the talent of the actors, the story, the script, everything about it makes it great. There is not one part of it that I would regard as being less than perfect in my eyes. The imperfection in parts of it are exactly what makes it perfect to me. I downloaded it as a torrent and it came with some extra stuff like cast interviews and a documentary about the making of the movie. I absorbed every bit of it.

I knew the first time I saw that movie that I loved it. I knew it before the first scene even began. It opens with an overture and beautiful paintings of trees that change with the seasons. I thought that it was wonderful how it had a section in it purely devoted to the brilliance of the music and the mood and atmosphere. The director was David Lean, who also directed Lawrence of Arabia and The Bridge on the River Kwai (which I have yet to watch, although I expect great things). I have nothing but admiration for everyone who was involved in this movie. It is almost 3 hours long, but I can sit through the whole thing without a break. I just love it.

Anyway, today should rightfully have been a very stressful day for me. Yesterday should have been as well as I had 3 major projects due in 2 days and I only started one of them as of yesterday. I felt weird today though. My power went out randomly last night as I was working on one of the projects which was due today and so I went for a walk for an hour. I came back and my power was back on, so I continued working on it. I stopped at around 1 in the morning and I completely resigned myself to the fact that, even though I was quite close, I was not going to have the project done on time.

I purposely woke up a half hour before my class today and decided not to bother going. I don't know why but after that I felt pretty much manically happy. I couldn't stop smiling. I have two projects due tomorrow, and I've decided that I'm not even going to try to hand them in then either. It would be putting too much stress on me to try. And for what?  It's literally impossible for me to get it done on time now. Too much work and not enough time to do it.  I need the weekend badly. I wish this was all over already. 

I went for a walk today though, and I walked around for close to two hours. Usually when I think about the fact that I have these projects due and they are not even close to being done, my heart races and doesn't stop for quite a while. I get stiff and uncomfortable. But today was weird because that didn't happen. I had a slight bit of that feeling when I woke up this morning, but I haven't felt it at all since then.  In fact I felt quite the opposite. I felt more relaxed and happier than I have ever felt. I think maybe my body is just too tired to be stressed anymore. Maybe I've just given it up. Is this what it feels like not to worry?

I kept just walking around, smelling the sea air and smiling on the inside. I guess maybe I just can't be bothered caring now. It is causing me too many health issues to worry as much as I have been. Good riddance to that stress. I don't need any more of that. I have an appointment for counselling on Monday and I have the weekend to work on these projects. Perhaps I'll finish the one that I was almost done of tonight so I can pass it in tomorrow and focus on the other two projects. Whatever. It will work out.

So, what did Dr. Zhivago have to do with this? I don't know, but I think maybe the point is that while I had 3 projects that I knew I needed to do, I was somehow relaxed enough to watch a movie. Not just any movie either. A 3 hour long movie. What is going on with me? This is a very rare time in my life when all of the analyzing I can do will not tell me why I feel weird or what this is. I can't understand it enough to even explain it. All I know is that I feel strange and kinda numb to bad thoughts in a way. It's a surreal feeling.

So, I know I just said in my last post that I was going to do pilates, but I distracted myself by scrolling to the bottom of my blog posts and I rediscovered my celebrity obsessions post. I quickly skimmed through the list and I found that there are actually still quite a few men missing from it. I thought of a few more fellas so here we go. These are in no particular order.

Tom Hardy, 2013. (Inception, The Dark Night Rises, Rocknrolla, Bronson)


Antonio Banderas (Pancho Villa, Spy Kids, Take The Lead, Zorro) The spanish accent helps. This picture is of him (on the right) in a TV movie called Starring Pancho Villa As Himself In which he played a mexican revolutionary General 



George Clooney, forever and always. Who doesn't have a permanent crush on Georgie boy? Even straight guys secretly have crushes on him. (ER, Oceans franchise, Up In The Air etc). I accidentally put in Greys Anatomy instead of ER the first time lol. The reason being that I never watch hospital shows and I clearly just got them mixed up out of ignorance. I forgot to check that out before I posted the first time.


Joseph Gordon-Levitt, 2010 (Inception, The Dark Night Rises, 50/50) He speaks french and sings. 'Nuff said.

Come On, you can't argue with that smile.

Steven Strait, 2006 (10,000 BC, The Covenant) 


Jeremy Renner, 2008 (The Hurt Locker, The Avengers, The Town, Bourne Legacy) He looks like the American version of Daniel Craig.

Why is it that the classic light grey T-shirt is always capitalized on as the sexiest garment for male action stars? It just works so well.

Benedict Cumberbatch, 2010. (Sherlock, Atonement, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, War Horse) (On the left in this photo)

Charming and intelligent. His portrayal of Sherlock Holmes is irresistible.

James Franco, 2002. (Spider Man franchise, Pineapple Express, Milk, Oz The Great And Powerful)


James McAvoy, 2007. (Atonement, Wanted, X-Men: First Class). Oh that Glasgow accent. 


Gerard Butler, 2006. (300, P.S I love you, The Ugly Truth, Rocknrolla). Yes, another Scottish actor.


Channing Tatum (back in his she's the man days) 2006 (She's the man, Step up franchise, GI Joe franchise, 21 Jump street remake, Magic Mike)


Jake Gyllenhaal (back in his bubble boy days. I obviously saw past the hair), 2001. (Bubble Boy, The Day After Tomorrow, Prince of Persia, Brokeback Mountain, Source Code) He has an endearing awkward look about him and puppy dog eyes.


Christian Bale (Batman franchise, The Fighter, The Prestige, 3:10 to Yuma, Public Enemies)


Hugh Jackman, 2012 (The Prestige, X-Men franchise, Deception, Australia, Real Steel) His performance in deception was wonderful. You know a person is a good actor if they can make you hate them.


Jensen Ackles, 2011. How can you not love that face? 


Bruno Mars, 2010, (Singer of Grenade, Just the way you are, contributor for FloRida, BOB, etc)

Flawless skin, big brown eyes, impeccable fashion sense, sickeningly charming, fantastic sense of humor, and an incredibly accurate singing voice. I never thought it possible, but he won me over too along with every other girl in the world. God damnit.

Justin Timberlake from his 'NSync days. Yes I was a silly little girl when they first hit the airwaves so naturally I had bad taste in music. Apparently everyone thinks he's hot stuff now though so maybe I at least had an eye for attractive guys.

Now better looking than ever, but unfortunately still a dink.

At the same time I liked Joey Fatone and I thought his hair was really cool because it had red dye in it. I also thought he was cool because he appeared to have a sense of humor. No, I'm not proud of my 'Nsync days. Don't judge, I was only 8. Luckily that didn't last long anyway. Now I can't help thinking he looks like Julian from The Trailer Park Boys.

Joey (left), Julian (right)




Ryan Peake,  2004. (Guitarist for Nickelback) *Groan* I know. Nickelback....gross. 


While we're on the topic of boy bands....I liked Brian Littrell from the Backstreet Boys as well.


*Sigh* Now that I've got all the embarrassing ones off my chest, we can move on.


Wait, one more. Benny from ABBA. Yes I was six or younger then. Why did I like him? I have no idea. What a strange little girl I was. Again I had no concept of the fact that he had aged since the 70's.


This is honesty at its finest right here. Admitting embarrassing crushes is hard.

Here's a not so embarrassing one. I still think he's hot.

Sam Worthington, 2009 (Avatar, Clash of the Titans, Man on a Ledge) 


Then There's:

Frank Iero, 2004. (My Chemical Romance rhythm guitarist) He had the guts to wear read makeup around his eyes. This was when I was into emo stuff. My sister is at fault for introducing me to them.

For some reason the way his hands and wrists look in this picture turns me on still.

Dave Grohl, 1999. (Nirvana drummer, Foo Fighters frontman). Another one with a good sense of humor.


Tom Hiddleston 2012, another intelligent British actor like Cumberbatch. (Thor, The Avengers, War Horse)

Yes he's a little bit weird looking, but listen to him speak and you will fall in love. Such a sexy voice and a sexy brain to go with it.

I think that's enough.

So help me out here. Out of the guys in this post and the first one, what features other than fame do they have in common? Other than the obvious shit too, so don't give me any funny business :P There's bound to be a joke or two made.

I feel like I've listed most of the younger male actors in existence here lol. But we need to put this into perspective by saying that this is more than one crush per year accounting for over 10 years. What are your celebrity crushes that you don't see here? By all means, add your opinions on your favourite ones that I've included or not included.

Today I walked from my apartment to the nearest major mall. The distance would be approximately 3 miles. I left around 2 and it was overcast. I was a little over halfway there and it started pouring down rain. Luckily I had taken my rain jacket, but I was wearing canvas Converse so my feet did get a little wet. I got to the mall and I went and bought a pedometer, bath mats, a rug for the living room, a running sweater, a new purse and a 3 lb dumbbell. Now that I'm home I feel like I could have gone with a five pound one and it would have been better. Perhaps I will start a collection of weights lol.

This is the first time that I've ever tried buying exercise accessories. I usually just do push ups and things that don't require weights or accessories. I now have a jump rope, a weight, a pedometer, running pants, a running sweater, a sports bra, a running shirt and a running jacket. I never thought I would be one of those people. I hate exercising. I guess I don't hate all exercise really. I like biking and walking. I hate running. I do it, but I hate it and I don't do it very well. These days though, I've begun to take an interest in actually properly exercising. I know that the fact that I don't makes my mental health worse. I've started a health food regimen of sorts. I've bought some healthier foods, restricted myself to acceptable portion sizes, started to drink a lot more water ( approx. 2 litres or more a day) and I do some kind of exercise for at least 15 minutes a day. I know, I know, 30 minutes is supposed to be the minimum, but I am a student and I don't always have the time. I also don't know if I could jump rope for that long. It's actually pretty hard. I used to do it when I was little and I suck as much now as I did then. It's hella good exercise though. It gets your heart rate up pretty quickly.

Today I did a lot of walking and then some dumbbell exercises for my triceps, so I didn't do too badly I suppose. For a hard core fitness person I'm sure that sounds like the piddliest workout ever. It was ok for me though. It's only been two days since the last time I walked that same route anyway and I have blisters on the undersides of my toes. Lol, what a weird place to have blisters. Also, mighty uncomfortable they are. I thought they were ok until I was halfway to the mall, then they really started to get sore again. Anyway, I don't think it's too piddly to walk 6 miles in the rain with blisters on your toes and carrying stuff.

Today was a fairly good day though. It smelled like spring for the first time so far this year. The rain was warm and the pavement had that nice smell that it gets when it's been doused in water after being hot for a while. I could smell the sweetness of the trees and the first wave of flowers have begun to bloom. I was glad to get out of my apartment for a while. I do like being outdoors, so if I have an excuse to walk somewhere I will. Even if the weather is less than ideal.

Now that I have a pedometer I can keep track of how many calories I may have burned per day just walking. I would find it good to know how much exercise I really get on a daily basis. This pedometer will be my best friend for a while. At least until I get into a healthy lifestyle that I think I can get used to. Who knows, if I do it right the first time I might be able to learn how to live this way for the rest of my life. I'd like that. I don't want to do the yo yo dieting thing all my life.

Anyway, I think I might try to do some pilates now. Perhaps I'll do it with my new silly little orange weight :P
Maybe I'll think of a proper story to post tomorrow, but for today this will have to do. I basically just want to stay in the habit of writing on a regular basis. I think it's good for my mental health. You may notice that this post is more positive. That means that a) I'm making a concerted effort to think more positively and b) I am already healthier than I was two weeks ago.

Have a great day y'all.

Peace out.

So I did go for a run today and it was nice. It was super warm out and sunny. I ran roughly 3 kilometres, which is ok I guess. On the way back though, something funny happened. I was coming up to an intersection and the walk light was on so I increased my speed and kept going across it. Just as I was getting to the other side, a truck started turning behind me and in the same moment I felt a yank on my ears. My Mp3 player had fallen out of my pocket and was now skidding across the pavement toward the sidewalk. I turned around just in time to see it come to a stop right in front of the truck's wheel. It happened in slow motion. It seemed like I was cringing forever. CRUNCH.

Yep, a truck ran over my Mp3 player. Yay me. I quickly darted into the road to get it before a second truck could run it over. It wasn't that far from the curb so the truck driver could go around me anyway. I didn't feel like I was in that much danger of getting hit. As I picked it up, I looked up at the truck and made a few solid seconds of eye contact with the driver, who looked slightly angry. I grinned sheepishly and waved my Mp3 player at him as an explanation. I put my head down and walked away quickly. How embarrassing. At a busy intersection. No doubt there were a few chuckles and unforgiving comments from the inside of a few cars. I got home and inspected my Mp3 player. It now has a good amount of deep scuff marks on the back. Amazingly though, it still works. It's a little bit frigged up because it is touch operated, but somehow it still works almost perfectly. No damage to the screen. Nothing. How great are electronics these days? Hahaha

So anyway, that was my adventure for the day. I'm sure I'll have an equally embarrassing one tomorrow.

I just skimmed through all of my previous blog posts and it occurred to me that most of them are god damn depressing. I think today should be a happy one then. I've decided that I am going for a run today. I ran over the weekend for the first time in a year. 2 1/2 miles without stopping is pretty good for me. Especially considering it's the first time in a year that I tried it. I'm not a super athletic person either so I was proud of that. 

I'm feeling good today. I feel more positive than usual. The sun is shining, I have a roof over my head, food in the cupboards and I'm about to go for a run on a beautiful warm sunny day. I had a computer accounting class this morning that sorta bored the hell out of me, but I suppose I am still learning something from it. I am really hungry, or maybe thirsty, right now. Either way my stomach hurts, so I'm gonna go have some water now. My mouth is soooo dry. I don't want that to be the case while i'm running. It feels like someone just poured salt on my tongue, Bleh.

The pressure of school is building up again, so I guess i'm going to have to get this run over with fairly quickly so I can get to work. I don't want to have another crazy breakdown. It would possibly have even worse consequences than before if I lost my head at this point.

Stay classy EP

So, today I would be in a good mood. That is if I could digest my food. I know, TMI. I'm feeling miserable, but I don't know why. Was it something I ate? Every time I eat something it goes right through me and I am immediately starving again. I sure hope this fixes itself. 

I've still not begun to work on a ten page essay that was due over a week ago. I should probably get on that now. My teacher has been patiently waiting while I sulk in my depressive moods not wanting to take this on. I wish school could just be over already. I don't have the motivation for this shit. I've never been so terribly unreliable as I have been this year. I wouldn't blame anyone if they didn't want to be partnered with me for a project. Truth be told, I don't want to be partnered with them either. I just feel guilty because I feel like I am severely taking advantage of my teacher's kindness. I'm not the kind of person to do that, but yet here I am doing exactly what I say I don't do. What a scum bag I am.

Today I spent about the fourth day trying to get a hold of a woman at a mental health centre just so I can set up an appointment for counselling. I feel like I'm wasting my time. It's just been phone tag from the get go and today they told me that she left for the afternoon when I called. This after she left me multiple messages saying that I have 'till Friday to contact her and that she would be in her office from 9-4. I thought it reasonable then to call at 2:30 after class. Apparently not. I'm getting pretty annoyed.

I think I'm going to keep this post short considering how long my last one was. That one could make up for about two posts. I'm going to cut this short and go get a new water filter for my water jug. I'm wondering if maybe I have a gastrointestinal infection from improperly filtered water or something. Whatever the case may be, my filter is still long overdue for a change. The more water I drink the better and it wouldn't hurt me to get out in the sunshine for a walk to the hardware store either. Exercise and sunshine can only help.

Cheers.

So plenty has happened since the last time I posted. I spent the last week or so trying to get my shit together and get my life back on track after my melt down. I've still got tons of work to do before the end of April, so that's fun. I got the results of my accounting final exam the other day and luckily I passed.  I am overjoyed that I will not have to repeat that course because I have to say, It was a miserable enough experience the first time through. 

I have another story of sorts today. Reading it is optional.

It's pretty long...Just warning you.


Are you sure you want to?

OK, but you've been warned.

Last year I was working at a coffee shop, busting my ass to get enough money saved up to pay for school. I managed to save a fair amount up before I was fired. That's a story for another day, but let's just say that my old boss is now building a reputation as someone that you do not want to work for. I was recalling that experience today, as it is difficult for me to forgive and forget sometimes and I was deeply hurt by my experience. As I was thinking about it, I started thinking about all of the people that I loved to see at that coffee shop.

I lived in a very small town, so it was somewhat of a meeting place for the people of the town. There were very few people that I didn't see there at least once. Now, I'm not an overly sociable person so it's a bit weird that I enjoyed working there and seeing people, but I did.  Aside from the drudgery of repetitive tasks and unpleasant customers, there were those customers that I really enjoyed to talk to and I would be happy to see them coming. They were a drop of sunlight on a cloudy day. However, there was one customer that, for whatever reason, was special to me. I developed a pretty major crush on him. He wasn't what you would call a hunk, he wasn't conventionally handsome, he wasn't even overly outgoing or charismatic, I didn't even like him at first to be honest but he grew on me over time. Like most of the people who came to the coffee shop, he wasn't young like me. I never did figure out how old he would be, but I would guess around his early forties. Now, I found it quite alarming of course that I had a crush on a guy who was evidently much older than me, but what can you do? If you have a crush, you have a crush. It doesn't mean that I would act on it anyway. 

So this is where the story begins.

The first time that I met him, I barely even noticed him. If it weren't for his eyes, I wouldn't have taken any pass of him. It was one of the most busy times of the day for us. The bus drivers who drove all of the kids in the region to the only two schools that were located in my town made it a habit to have coffee together after they were done of their morning pick ups and drop offs. This made it especially busy around this time. 8:45 AM, when everyone was headed to work for 9. This was one of the times that we would call a "rush" when both the drive through and the front counter were busy. I was pretty new then, so this was most likely one of the first few times  that I was responsible for looking after the customers at the front counter...All by myself no less.

This man was a part of the bustle, so because of my feeling totally overwhelmed, I hardly even noticed him. When it came time for me to take his order, he quickly muttered his order to me the way he had no doubt done a thousand times before. I prepared his coffee and he had the exact change ready for me in his hand. The transaction was very brief.  What got my attention was the fact that he had a brooding look about him. He looked dark and kinda like he might murder a person that made one wrong move. He wasn't an overly big man,  just around average, so it wasn't like he was physically intimidating. His expression was just somewhat unsettling to me at the time. I remember that I never heard him speak a word to me after he told me his order.

He spared no time for words of courtesy. No please or thank you. This is an unusual phenomenon where I come from, seeing as most people would have made small talk, made some kind of witty remark or at least smiled and said thank you to me. This man, whom I will call Tommy, was not like everyone else. I was slightly offended, really. I pegged him as one of the rude customers and I guessed that I would have to be careful in future not to aggravate him.

When one works at a coffee shop, they learn to find ways of quickly judging the type of customer that they are dealing with. Basically, it's the same thing that a person normally does to someone that they have just met. You start with no knowledge of them except a pre-judgment based on appearances and then wait for their actions to clarify their character for you. This is what a drive through employee does, except that you learn to do it faster. You put them in categories of nice/sometimes nice/sometimes cranky/cranky. It helps so that you can modify how you speak to them in order to avoid listening to needless insults.

Over the next few weeks I saw this man several times a day. Oddly enough though, I never heard him speak. I started paying more attention to him so I could at least find out if he ever did speak to anyone. At the same time I was on a quest to find out what his name was. I am not the type of person who usually just asks a person straight up what their name is. I rather to have them tell me first or to figure it out by observation. I am just far too shy sometimes.

Trying to figure out things about frequent customers in a small town is a good way to pass the time when you are working in a mind numbing job. If you try, you can find out connections that you didn't know existed with people that you already are familiar with.  If myself and my co-workers didn't do things like that, we might go insane. We would often talk about who the crankiest and nicest customers were and we would joke about our experiences with certain patrons. This is of course how Tommy came up in conversation. I mentioned him as possibly being one of the cranky customers and it seemed like nobody had noticed him aside from myself. I didn't know his name then so I described him as best I could, and the way I did it was to say that he looked like he could be a Mexican. This wouldn't have been totally surprising seeing as there were Mexican immigrants who were trying to find work in my town at the time. I pointed him out the next day to one of the girls that I was working with and she laughed. She did think that he looked like a stereotypical Mexican man in a way. He was dark with a mustache and the title seemed to fit him for some reason. This is in no way meant to be racist or offensive. It's just that it is sometimes easier to oversimplify things when describing a person in between headset beeps.

When one works at a coffee shop, it is easiest to recognize customers by giving them a nickname based on their most noticeable physical features, catch phrases or car descriptions. A good example would be "fish eye guy" for a guy with bulgy eyes, loud truck guy, or "1 milk 1 sugar guy" said in a particular cadence for a man with a consistent order method. Some people pretty much have drive through catch phrases such as a way of saying hello that is unique to them. It's odd, but you notice these things. These are just ways of getting orders right or being able to make them faster. In fact I would even know the appearance of a person's car and the time of day that they would usually come to the coffee shop so that I could make them their order before they got to the speaker and it would take less time. This is the reason that we nicknamed Tommy "The Mexican". 

His order was the same every day and he appeared at almost the exact same times every day. You could set a watch by him. We would say "It's the Mexican" and someone would make his coffee before he came in so that it would be ready for him. 

Eventually, I started to see that he was not in fact a cranky customer at all. He was one of our best customers. Although he didn't usually say thank you to me, his order was always clear enough through the headset or in person that I would never have to ask him to repeat it. He always had the money ready so it made my life a lot easier. He was actually quite a sociable person and I remember my co-worker exclaiming one day "aww the Mexican has friends", which made me laugh quite hard. Everybody seemed to like him and after a while he would actually smile at me and say "thanks dear" after I gave him his coffee. To me this was like a major breakthrough. There's something about a mystery that draws a person in and this guy was just that; A mystery. 

Over time I learned some things about him. I found out that he had a wife and a young son. Another of my coworkers (who I tend to think is a bit over-dramatic and so I don't entirely trust her assessment as she never gave any reason) said that he was a perv. I just couldn't believe that. In any case I felt at the time like I wouldn't mind if he was a perv to me considering that I had a crush on him. Of course the more I learned about him, the more I wished that I didn't have a crush on him. I was starting to feel like he was more of an obsession than a crush. Once you learn that a guy is married, he is off limits and the game is over. I felt like a really bad person for still wishing that I could have him.

He had a likeable personality. He always appeared patient and he never seemed to be in a bad enough mood to be snarky to someone. He was interested in people. That was obvious by how he would sit and just listen to people when they talked and how he always seemed to be involved in anything that was going on in the town. Meetings and gatherings concerning socio political issues really seemed to be his cup of tea (or coffee :P). He would comment on the news of the day and he always seemed like he wanted to know more or else he wanted to tell you what was going on.

I always thought that he seemed like an incredibly observant person. Other more judgmental people might say nosy. He once commented on how I must have a long drive to work in the morning even though I'd never actually told him anything about where I lived. This could have been misconstrued as being a creepy observation, but in a small town people ask each other who a person is and have access to your full genealogy if they want it just by asking a couple of people who you are. It really becomes quite a common, normal thing when you live in a place like this so you learn not to let it bother you. Perhaps it just shows that people care about you. Perhaps everyone just makes it their business to know everyone else's business so they have something to talk about. In any case I was still slightly surprised. 

He seemed to have a gentle way about him though, which I liked. He was simultaneously punctual and laid back and I often found it entertaining how organized and routine oriented he was. On the other hand, he had a way of getting excited over things and even though he might have tried to keep his excitement hidden, you could tell by the gleam in his eyes and the smirk on his face that he was feeling especially good about something. This was demonstrated to me when he bought a new car. People on staff commented on his new wheels and you could see that he could barely contain his excitement, as if he had been hoping we would notice. It happened again when a sports hero was in town and he talked about how he had been hanging out with him that day. I thought it was adorable to be quite frank. Even though I don't really give a crap about sports, I had to be at least a bit interested if Tommy was so excited. He had a charming childlike enthusiasm at times. He would occasionally make a silly comment or crack a joke and you could see his face light up. It was like you could still see remnants of the child he used to be long ago just by looking into his eyes when he was in an extra good mood. It was nice to see that when most of the time he was so calm and composed.

I found it really difficult to conceal the fact that I liked him. I also found it really odd that I cared so much about someone that I hardly knew. It got pretty silly. He was eventually the highlight of my day and any attention that he gave me was like a kiss from the gods or something. It could be as simple as a nod and a hello. A perfect example of this was when one day as I was putting my hand out for him to give me the change for his coffee, he quickly grabbed my hand, flipped it over and took a long look at my nails. I had just painted them so they were quite bright. I believe I had painted them with two black stripes on yellow that day, like the Camaro from Transformers. I freaked out on the inside when he did that though; even though he had a perfect alibi.  All I could think of was if he could see my hands shaking. He suddenly flipped my hand back over and dropped the perfectly counted and stacked change into my hand.  Then he looked up at me, grinned and with not another word and a few long strides he was out the door. I didn't even have time to say something to him. All I could do was to force a laugh. I always trembled when I had to wait on him and I couldn't look him in the eye without feeling my face get hot and feeling unbearably self-conscious. This in turn made me act stupid because I couldn't think clearly. I was just focused on not giving myself away. It was a self fulfilling prophecy I suppose. How could it not have been obvious. Sometimes I would wonder if he knew all that and he just liked to play games with my head.

I was pretty sure that the feeling was not mutual of course. He had recently married so why would I be of any interest to him? I would not. Thus, I probably made him feel extremely uncomfortable. I tried to tell myself this and repeat it over and over in my head in an attempt to get over him. I kinda think that crushes just happen to me when I'm bored with my life and I want something to keep my mind occupied. I tried to unstick him from my mind, but it didn't work. I guess that's obvious because I am still thinking about him now.

If there is a celebrity that I could use to describe him it would be Omar Sharif from the movie Dr. Zhivago. They would look a lot the same. That character's personality was even similar in ways. A nice person who seemed to like to help people.



Nice coat, right?


So, anyway. It all came to a screeching halt the day I was fired. I was glad that he wasn't in the shop at the time that I got the news because I was barely holding myself together. I just wanted to strangle my boss right then and there. It wasn't because I wouldn't be seeing Tommy again. It was because of the way that they fired me. It was completely discourteous and I didn't see what I did to deserve it. That was how I learned not to make sacrifices to keep a minimum wage job. When all is said and done, none of those sacrifices will be taken into account when they are looking for someone to fire. Look at me being all bitter now. It shouldn't bother me this much.

I was bummed that I now had nothing to wake up for in the morning. I had no purpose anymore. I was no longer earning money and I was no longer seeing people. I also had to face the fact that I would no longer be working with the people that I had so much fun goofing around with during the quiet times as well as it being a major blow to my pride because who wants to say that they got fired? It makes it sound like you're a bad employee and you must have done something like steal from the till. It wasn't that though. My manager just didn't like me because I wasn't afraid to stand up to him when he was being a bully to me or to others. So when I got fired, even though I was glad that I didn't have to work for that particular manager anymore, It was like there was suddenly a huge empty abyss where my job used to be. I am young, so this was my first experience losing a job. I don't like it lol. 

I am no longer living in my hometown, so I never see Tommy anymore. That's alright I guess. The longer I go without seeing him, the better chance there is that I will totally forget he exists. Of course, part of me doesn't want to forget that still.


In this photo: Omar Sharif in Lawrence of Arabia (1962)

This is pretty close to the pleased-with-himself look that he would have. Of course he would be wearing a baseball cap instead of a keffiyeh.

It's apparent that my mind is dominated by negative thoughts lately as evidenced by my last couple of posts. Well, now there's even more negativity.

Yesterday I had a massive mental breakdown and I cried pretty much all day. Today was a battle as well and I am worried because I have a final exam in two days. Yesterday I was trying to write a 5 page paper that would have been due on Thursday, but I didn't even get one word down before I decided that I felt too horrible to write anything.

I decided to go and take a shower to freshen myself up and maybe I would feel less stressed when I came out. That was the idea anyway. It didn't really work out that way. About two minutes into my shower I started sobbing and I didn't stop until I got out of the shower twenty minutes later. I dried off and tried to tackle my paper again to no avail. I started sobbing again and this time it was even more intense so I decided to give up on the paper and email my instructor to tell him that I was in the middle of a breakdown and I wasn't going to be able to finish my paper.

This was horribly unlucky because I was partnered with another girl for the paper too. I think she was pretty pissed off and I don't doubt that she has been complaining about me behind my back. She told me today that she thought it would be a good idea if we stopped working together and just did our papers separately. I agree with her, but I feel a bit annoyed anyway because she has absolutely no interest in working it out. I tend to think that she is secretly a bitch, so I guess I don't mind if I don't have to work with her anymore. It's just hurtful regardless because I am not a bad person and I am truly trying to be motivated.

I talked to my instructor today and he was amazingly supportive and sympathetic. It makes a huge difference whenever an instructor can understand mental health problems well enough that they will cut you some slack in order to deal with it. He's letting me submit my assignment later so that I can recover.

I've begun to arrange a meeting with a therapist for the first time in my life. I've been to see a therapist before, but I was with my family and I only went a couple of times so it didn't help me much. This time I am hopeful that I will get something out of it and maybe I can learn some ways to prevent myself from having huge breakdowns every year. 

Now it's time for a list of all of the things that I am grateful for:

• 
  I live in a beautiful place


• 
  I have a cozy little apartment that I love and I've successfully been able to keep a roof over my head so far


• 
  I have a bag of Lindor chocolates right next to me as I write this and they are delicious


• 
  I have an incredible family (my Dad drove an hour to see me last night in the midst of my drama so that he could calm me down)


• 
  I am thankful that I have the opportunity to have post secondary training


• 
  I have a good many legitimate talents


• 
  I am thankful that I had a good March break and that my Easter weekend was nice as well.


• 
  I am glad that my instructors are so helpful


• 
  I am thankful that I will not starve


• 
  I am glad that my Christmas tree is finally gone.


• 
  I am thankful that I am a relatively intelligent person and I don't have as much academic trouble as some people do.


• 
  I am glad that I am almost finished of school for the summer.


• 
  I am happy that I got to see my entire family at once for the first time in a year over the weekend.


• 
  I am glad that I live in a peaceful, well-off country.

There are surely a million other things that I am grateful for, but I think that list is long enough now.


Anyway, I am optimistic that I will be feeling better soon and I am praying that I pass my final exam. I guess I will just have to study extra hard today and tomorrow. Preparation preparation.

I've been thinking.....Not that that is anything new. I've been thinking about something that I realize I think about a lot. I don't know if it bothers me or if I secretly miss something about it, but I dwell on it nonetheless.

So this is the story of my experience living in a big city that is not my home town. I am a country girl at heart and I have always lived in a very rural area, so when I moved away in 2007 to a city of almost 1 million people, it was a sort of culture shock for me. I wasn't used to living with so many other people.  Riding buses, going to school with 1500 other students,  street lights, car noise and sirens; all of those things were pretty foreign to me. It probably seems funny to someone who grew up in the city that a person couldn't handle that, but I apparently can't.

I live in a small town now which is still quite a bit bigger than my original community of roughly 80 families. It's nothing like the big city really, but it reminds me sometimes of the things that I did and didn't enjoy about that experience.

 It was my first time making any kind of big move and it was because of my mother. She had a job offer to work in this city and she proposed that the family should move out there with her and give city life a try. I was actually pretty excited about it. The city that we were moving to is truly beautiful and there had been talk when I had visited it before that we might like to live there someday. It was like a dream come true. The grass isn't always greener on the other side though, as I found out first hand.

I was in high school and I had already made a pretty solid little group of friends. I was content with life where I was and I didn't realize how much that should be cherished. I was doing well in school and I was making A grades for the most part. I was just about to start tenth grade when we moved. I was excited because it meant I would finally have the freedom to choose my own courses.

When I got to the city, I found that the school I was going to had a much larger selection of courses than my old school. I've always loved to sing, so I was delighted to find that there was a vocals course and an extracurricular choir. I went into the vocals class, a history class, a civics studies class and a careers class. I figured it would be a good semester. For some reason I didn't get scheduled into enough classes though, and there was one block that I had no class. I was happy about that because, come on, what kid doesn't want a free block? Unfortunately the principal found me sitting alone on my free block one day and decided to lecture me and tell me that it would not be wise if I did not fill the block with another course. I took his advice and I looked through the courses that were still available. Unfortunately, classes had already been in session for about two weeks by then, so I didn't have many options. It pretty much came down to two classes: French, and Spanish. Since in my old school I wouldn't have had the opportunity to take Spanish, I decided to go with that course instead of French. *Sigh*  And that's where my troubles began.

I almost immediately knew that it was not going to be fun when I walked into the class and the teacher looked at me with obvious agitation on his face and asked who I was.  I explained that I had been switched into his class and he grumbled that the administration had not informed him of this new development.

Mr. F was a very handsome man. Conventionally handsome anyway. All of the girls in the class thought that he was to die for. I didn't really like him, but I did have to admit that he was quite striking. He had blond hair, a strong jaw and piercing blue eyes. He also had a fairly impressive physique as he was the cross country running coach as well. He was well dressed, tanned and a total health and fitness nut. On the outside, every girl's dream I suppose. I didn't think so though. The only thing I could say was that when he tried to explain things to me he would look right into a person's eyes intensely like he was trying to will the information into your brain, so it distracted the hell out of me. I couldn't hold onto a thought as it was.

I detested his character and appreciated his looks simultaneously  What an annoying combination. He was a no nonsense sort of person who would not stand for a person not meeting deadlines the first time. Very few second chances were given and he was the sort of person who wouldn't mind telling you in his own sweet way to suck it up and get over yourself if you complained. I didn't enjoy his methods seeing as I felt I needed more compassion from him than he would ever be willing to give. He may have tried to be sympathetic, but it wasn't enough. He just didn't seem to be a naturally compassionate person.

His desk was impeccably neat, his hair perfectly trimmed and I used to think he must have OCD. He was organized to the point that I thought he must have had experience being in the military even though he was only around 28 at that point and as far as I could tell from his few brief anecdotes, he had been teaching for a while. He would stack all of his papers in neat rows on his desk and put his pen in almost the exact same place every time he put it down. It's weird that I noticed that much about him, but when a person tells you so little about themselves, it leaves you trying to unravel the mystery of their personality on your own. I guess it was my way of trying to figure out who he was, what he was about and where he came from without having to ask him. I don't think he would have told me very much even if I had asked although I did hear from a guy who was on his cross country team that he had once stolen a car in adolescence. I thought that was funny considering how uptight he seemed to me now. We all make mistakes I suppose. Live and learn.

My first day....Hmmmm
I stood and looked around for a seat. I suppose I looked a bit like a deer in the headlights. He sighed and pointed to the side of the room opposite from me and told me to "find a seat over there".  Meanwhile every single person in the class stared at me and chattered loudly. No one introduced themselves, smiled or even so much as looked at me after I sat down. I felt so unwanted. To make matters worse, they had already been doing Spanish lessons for a couple of weeks and I had only ever heard a limited number of Spanish words in my lifetime, so I was, understandably, completely lost.

I was handed books, told a page, and told to try my best to follow along. I did try, and I thought I was getting it. I wasn't though. I never felt more stupid at any time in my life than I did during those five months in that class. I struggled and stayed for extra help after class on many occasions, skipping lunch just to try to get a decent mark. We had homework every night, but since I am the world's worst procrastinator, I would never get it done as there would always be some big project that was a higher priority than my homework. That was the main reason that I fell behind I suppose, although the procrastination was the result of a deeper problem so it was a little more complicated than just that.

Every day I would walk into the Spanish classroom and just hope that I would survive this one without embarrassing myself too badly. Hoping never worked though, because the teacher would always ask me the one question that nobody in the class would get. How would he expect me, the worst student in the class, to get the hardest problems? It was like he was hoping beyond hope that I was paying attention and that I would have some stroke of genius and prove to him that his teaching was paying off or that I was smarter than he thought. It was either that or he just liked to torture me because he thought I wasn't trying.

It wasn't that I wasn't trying though. It was just that since I had left everything that I knew to come into an environment that felt so foreign and unfriendly, I had become severely depressed. I had no friends and I couldn't figure out if it was because I came across as negative or if I was negative because I couldn't make any friends. Either way, I used to toss and turn at night not getting a wink of sleep. I would lie awake staring at the ceiling being aggravated by the street lights shining through my window and wishing that I was home.

I began to have suicidal thoughts for the majority of the day and all through the night. I would go to school feeling invisible, feeling hated and then go home to my family where my Mom and Dad would bicker all evening. I'd immediately go to my room, flop on my bed feeling exhausted and knowing that I couldn't sleep and just fantasize about dying or just being put out of my misery. I wouldn't even bother to get out of bed for supper most nights. I used to think about what would be the least painful, miserable way to kill myself instead. Starvation? Pills? Then I would think that perhaps it was selfish to be thinking that, so I just struggled on wishing that April would come sooner so I could go home. Then I'd decide that I was too depressed and exhausted to do my homework, so the vicious cycle would start all over again the next day.

I would wake up some mornings and dread Spanish class so much that I would feel physically sick like I had a stomach flu. I would stand over the toilet for an hour in the morning thinking that I was going to be sick. Then I'd tell my mother that I was sick and stay home until I knew that Spanish was over and I would start to feel less sick then. I knew that I wouldn't run into my Spanish teacher if I skipped class anyway because all of my other classes were on the other side of the school. He was suspicious though anyway and I think he always knew that I was just skipping because I didn't want to come to class. He would take me to task on it some days and I could tell that my excuses weren't satisfying him.

I used to think that one of the only reasons I just kept slugging away every day was because of my vocals teacher. He'll probably never know that he really pretty much saved my life, but he did. I almost wish I could tell him, but that would be awkward. I know that I would feel weird if someone told me that I saved their life without even realizing it. It's scary to imagine that someone's life was basically in your hands and you didn't even know. One wrong word and they're dead......Scary.

 My vocals teacher really helped me though. He was super nice, super funny,  and it helped that he was teaching one of my favorite subjects ever. I have to admit he was a pretty damn good looking guy too so I had a bit of a crush on him .  He probably knew that though because I don't think I'm all that subtle when I am trying to hide a crush. Mr. C was tall dark and handsome with big dark brown eyes that could bore holes through a person. It feels silly describing someone that way, but his eyes really were a force to be reckoned with. If you met him, you'd melt too.

He was engaged at the time so I knew I couldn't do anything, nor would I have anyway. I'm too much of a chicken shit to speak my mind, especially to someone who couldn't possibly be with me even if he wanted to. I didn't want to be a home-wrecker anyway even if I did have the slightest chance. I know I wouldn't have gotten a positive response, because what teacher really wants to deal with a minor that has a crush on them. That's an uncomfortable situation for sure. I was just glad that he was there regardless because he brightened my day just enough that I couldn't say with absolute certainty that there was nothing in life that was good or that there was nothing worth living for. If I started thinking negative I would always try to think about how great vocals class was and how much fun we had that day laughing over Mr. C's silly jokes. It helps that he liked Monty Python. Coolest. Teacher. Ever. 

Anyway, my other classes were decent but my Spanish class continued to haunt me. My teacher in that class, Mr. F, really seemed like he wanted to help me sometimes. The poor guy. I had a bit of a hate on for him at the time. I felt like he had it in for me or something, so I always wanted to give him the middle finger but I knew that wouldn't help my case any. I wouldn't even humor him when he'd call out Spanish greetings to me in the hallways expecting me to answer in Spanish. I would always just answer in English and when he complained I would just grunt and say "no I don't remember how" and walk away. I wasn't always the nicest to him I suppose. I probably frustrated the hell out of him too because he sure wasn't getting anything through to me.

 I felt like I was thinking through a thick fog every day. That is really the most accurate way that I can describe it. I would think that I was getting something and then I would just lose my focus altogether. He once called my mother to tell her that I was failing because teachers apparently were obligated to do that. When she asked what I needed help with, he replied "everything".  My mother was quite indignant. She wasn't blaming me at all, but she was quite annoyed at him. I guess she thought he was rude for being honest lol.

I guess my inability to think was just a byproduct of depression. I didn't realize that at the time of course because I had never really been depressed before. I had never had to navigate that overwhelming tangle of thoughts, emotions and pure darkness before. It felt like there was a black hole that was just ready to consume me the minute I gave up the fight. My daily life just felt like pure misery aside from the occasional laugh that I got from my vocals teacher.

I'm glad I never drank back then because it could have easily made me into an alcoholic if I had. No drugs either which was also extremely lucky. No cutting because I didn't think that it would give me any kind of relief. I figured it would just add external pain to my internal pain, and that was the last thing I wanted to do. Make it worse.

I was really quite lucky to come out on the other side without so much as a scrape. The only injury was to my pride. I always thought of myself as a smart kid  before then because my classmates always told me I was, so it was quite a blow to my self esteem when I almost failed two courses in the same semester. The first class was obviously Spanish. The second one I almost failed because I skipped a major presentation which I was unbearably nervous about. Before then I had really had a very good mark because the course was ridiculously easy.

Eventually, I realized that I was really severely depressed and I confessed to my mother. It's funny how long it can take to figure it out though. I was wrapped up in myself and I thought that soon enough I would just "get over it" and fix it myself. But I kept waiting and waiting for myself to fix it and I couldn't. I wasn't fixing myself. So, I eventually realized that I really did need help. I never went to get help though.

I told my mother about it a week or so before my first semester was over. I was just about to fail Spanish class. My Spanish teacher, god bless him, gave me one last chance to get all my late assignments in (that felt like special treatment to me because he didn't usually make exceptions for people or give second chances). I remarkably did manage to get them all in and I did my two exams which I passed with not so bad marks. I increased my mark by quite a lot and ended up passing with almost a 70% where I was at a 50% a couple of weeks earlier. I was glad that I got through it, but I couldn't help wondering if my teacher cheated a bit on the marking so that I would pass. It felt like pure luck to me. It felt like maybe he just didn't want to have me in his class the next semester too.    The vegetable girl.

In February of 2008 my mother, taking pity on me, allowed me to move back home early with my father. I started my second semester at home and I immediately started to improve. My grades rocketed up and my mental health improved rapidly. By May I had pretty much made a full recovery and I was back to my old happy go lucky self. I just felt bad that the city people that I had met on my adventures couldn't see me in my element. They would never see me as my happy self and my teachers would never see that I actually wasn't stupid.

Anyway, even to this day, I still think about my Spanish teacher with not so fond memories mixed with attempted rational analyses of those same memories. I suppose I am still just trying to put it into perspective and get over my grudge. I guess it wasn't his fault, but if I could, I would like to ask him what he really thought of me while I was his student. I guess I would also like to show him that I'm not a stupid person and his class was not representative of my level of intelligence, but rather a particularly rough spot in my life. I doubt he would remember me now though, unless I was a good example of a bad student that he'll never forget. I sure hope not haha.

It's early in the morning now and I have school in not too long so I guess this is me signing off for the night so I can get some sleep. 

Good night EP and thanks for being there for me so I can rant aimlessly for an hour.   :P  That's an example of what I think about when I recall my city experience.