Today is my Birthday and all I feel is sad. I don't know why, but this always happens. Every single Birthday I've had for the last several years has always just been a depressing event. I'm not totally sure what makes it so depressing, but I think it has something to do with the fact that the idea of celebrating a day that is about me just makes me realize how alone and unextraordinary I really am.
It's also depressing because everybody wishes you a Happy Birthday, but I never feel like they mean it. Not that they want me to have a horrible day or anything, just that it's more of a social obligation to wish someone a Happy Birthday than it is a heartfelt "congratulations for making it this far, you are a wonderful person and i'm glad you were born" kinda message.
No matter how many people wish me a Happy Birthday, I still just feel sad and unwanted. It's like I'm nothing special for the rest of the year. It's just this one day that people actually notice that I exist.
Anyway, it's sad but I can't wait for tomorrow so I can go back to normal 'blend into the wall' life. I just feel like spending the day in bed today.
I had a test earlier today in my HR course which was also a sad reminder that I am not special and life continues as usual whether I like it or not. Tests will not be rescheduled because they happen to fall on the anniversary of your birth, even though it marks the most important day of your life; the day you were born. I'm not complaining or anything. If things had to be worked around people's birthdays, then nothing would ever get done. It's just a little depressing to think about is all.
Anyway. Happy Birthday to me I guess..... Somebody give me a hug.....
So, today was a relatively busy day. Not compared to most people's schedules I guess, so perhaps I should just say it felt eventful.
The reason I'm saying this is because I was volunteering at my local animal shelter this morning. The way the shelter works is that each volunteer schedules themselves for the days and times that best suit them so that they can easily work it into their schedules.
Yesterday, I decided that I would volunteer today (Saturday). Bad idea. I didn't realize that the bus that normally goes to the shelter does not run on Saturdays and Sundays. The shelter is a bit out of the way, so I can understand that. It just meant that I had to walk 3 or 4 kilometers from the bus station to the shelter and it made me late.
I got there and immediately took a dog out for a walk. She was sweet and very obedient. A Border Collie mix. Beyond cute. She has huge brown eyes and she wags her tail so hard her whole body wags with it. Anyway, that was fine. Then after I did some of the laundry (Cat blankets and whatnot) I asked one of my fellow volunteers if she needed help. It was only my second day volunteering, so I still don't really know what i'm doing.
The girl I had asked said that she did in fact need help. I agreed to help her before I realized that she was volunteering with the cats, not the dogs. I had only signed up for the dogs and I was only trained for that. I ended up going along with it though. I asked her to tell me what to do and I ended up cleaning two cat rooms (which included scooping out some massive kitty turds). It wasn't bad. I don't hate cats, I just thought I'd be busy enough with the dogs. The excrement is not a problem for me anyway because we have to scoop up dog poop outside anyway and I had two dogs that never got the hang of potty training so I'm plenty used to cleaning up bodily fluids.
It was later in the morning that things got exciting. As a dog care volunteer, I am supposed to take the dogs for walks, feed them, water them, play with them and just generally spend lots of time with them. The staff even say that you can take a book in a kennel with a dog and just read it to them. They say it calms them down.
I went in the kennel with a huge Great Dane mix. She is a beautiful dog and is so friendly and nice even though she's the size of a small horse. I sat in the kennel with her for a while and just petted her and talked to her. By this time the shelter had finally opened and people were coming through to look at the dogs. I had already spent some time with a few other dogs to play with them and such, so I was basically just making the rounds. I decided that I had spent enough time with this dog and moved to the kennel next to her. That kennel had a particularly annoying dog in it. It was a terrier mix that tended to like to taunt the Great Dane. I spent some time playing with her and then a man came over and started talking to me and the dog.
The Great Dane started barking then. She was tall enough to see over the concrete wall that separates the kennels. I was standing up and she was staring at me. She looked none too pleased about the fact that I was not paying attention to her anymore and had betrayed her to go be with another dog. She looked a bit agitated and her barking wound up the terrier mix. It started jumping up on the side of the wall to get a better look at the other dog and started growling at her. It quickly escalated and they began lunging at each other. Good thing there was metal wire between them. I was a little bit mortified because they were misbehaving in front of one of the potential adopters. It didn't look good. He didn't seem all that concerned with it really.
The dogs all have stickers on their kennel sheets so that the staff and volunteers know what dogs to walk. I am not allowed to walk dogs with yellow stickers because I am a new volunteer. I am only allowed to walk the ones with green stickers for now. The ones with the red stickers are the ones that nobody is allowed to walk. There are none of those yet.
The sticker on the terrier mix's kennel was yellow. I am not allowed to walk her, but I am allowed to socialize with her. When she started lunging at the Great Dane I grabbed her collar and calmly put her back down on the floor. She got the hint and stopped what she was doing, but the Dane started barking again and it started all over again. This time the man started talking to me as I was going to grab the terrier mix again. I put my arm around her front to push her off the wall and she quickly made a snap at my arm. I wasn't looking directly at her at the time, so she got me pretty good. I now have my first shelter battle scar lol. A nice big bruise and a couple of tooth sized punctures in my forearm.
I guess that's why she has a yellow sticker. She doesn't get along great with other insecure dogs. I got the feeling they were fighting for my attention, or in a protective way perhaps. I think the fact that I was there spurred them on. It likely wouldn't have happened if I wasn't there. Normally the Dane just ignores the yappy little terrier. Not this time. I don't have much experience in training dogs with aggressive behaviours, so this was a bit of a shocking experience for me. It would have been much worse if the dogs could have actually hurt each other. I've experienced that before. One of the dogs I used to own was very nervous and insecure and if he saw another dog, he would immediately go after it barking and growling and try to tear its face off. He was little though, so he didn't really cause any damage. I was just always worried he'd get himself killed. He always seemed to pick on the biggest dogs. One time he attacked a Rottweiler mix and ended up knocking one of his teeth out. It's lucky that's all that happened. I managed to separate the two before it got serious. The Rottie wasn't really interested in fighting anyway.
After I got home today I had a shower to get the smell of dog pee off me and went to a little coffee shop downtown. I had told the guy that raped me that I wanted to meet him there this afternoon. He didn't say he would, but he didn't say he wouldn't either so I decided that I would go anyway. The worst that could happen is that I would be sitting there by myself. I didn't expect him to show up, so I brought a book with me. I ordered a hot apple cider when I got there and sat down with my book. As I had predicted, he didn't show. That was OK anyway. I enjoyed my mug of apple cider quietly and read some of my book. I waited for about a half hour and then I went home.
I wasn't really disappointed. I think that was because I wasn't really expecting much anyway. I had debated whether I should even bother going, but I decided I would because I could use some "me time". It felt nice just to sit there quietly with a hot beverage and read. It was also a lot less stressful than if he had actually showed up.
I think my plan now is to go to my Dad's house tonight and stay for the night. I haven't seen him since his Birthday, which was the day before yesterday. My Birthday is the day after tomorrow, so I think it would be nice to get up to see my family before then.
Oh my life. It's so weird. Probably really mundane to everyone else, but interesting to me.
I can't wait 'till 2013 is over. It seems like it started off bad and it only got worse. I was hoping in the spring that it would get better later in the year as my depression started to clear up. It hasn't gotten better and if the past me could see what my life is like now, she'd probably have just killed herself then and gotten it over-with.
I can't believe how much has gone wrong in such a short amount of time. I guess it isn't the end of the world, but it sure feels like the end of my world sometimes. I've had a few nice little meltdowns in the last month and during those meltdowns I always feel like I should just get it over-with and die already. It feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. It never lasts, thank god, but it certainly tests my courage and my will to live.
I've ended up in the fetal position several times while feeling like my insides were collapsing in on themselves. Like I was gonna melt or something. Perhaps like my soul was dying a horrible painful death and I was desperately trying to hook it up to life support. I definitely spent a night lying on my living room floor clutching my knees to my chest and sobbing, but I was so dehydrated that no tears were coming out. I felt like if I were actually capable of willing myself to stand up, I'd probably try to overdose on my sleeping pills. Luckily, my weak, sad, dehydrated little self was pretty content to just stay there and stare at the beams of light that the street lamps cast on the floor.
Oh how I wished for a savior of some kind to just come and take away the pain. I even wished that my rapist would come to my apartment and murder me. Like somehow him murdering me would solve things. I felt like it would be better than what he was doing to me now without even knowing or trying.
Today it sort of felt like I was gonna have another little meltdown. I haven't been feeling great all day. I felt so depressed. It feels like my brain is in a fog. All I could think about was the guy who raped me. He texted me last week and it said:
"I don't think we should have any further communications because your allegations are completely contrary to my recollection."
That almost killed me. His first text had sounded somewhat empathetic. This one just sounds mean and it also sounds like it came from a lawyer. I would imagine he's been consulting one. After all, I did tell him that if he didn't talk to me before last Saturday, I'd take him to court. That text didn't sound like something he'd say though. It sounded too brainy and there were no spelling mistakes.
I think now that I put the pressure on him he's choosing not to admit anything in case I use it against him in court. God dammit. I hate this. All I want is for him to tell me in as much detail as possible how he felt that night and what he was thinking. All I wanted was some kind of an apology or something. Is that so much to ask? It's also funny that his response mentioned his "recollection" seeing as he told me he didn't really recall anything. Har de har har. Funny, dude.
Anyway. Today I decided, after several hours of moping around and dwelling on it, that I would get off my ass and do some house cleaning. I think it helped a bit. My place looks a bit less cluttered now which is good for my morale.
I also got a call from a clothing store manager today asking if I would come in for an interview this week. I'm excited about that. Finally I have a slight possibility of finding some work and having some money for once. I've been relying heavily on my parents to bail me out for the last month or so seeing as I was so poor that I couldn't afford groceries. I still can't afford to pay all of my bills and my rent payment is coming up. Oh my heart. I think I might as well just give up and jump in the ocean. Maybe I'll swim to Cuba or something and just hide out and forget about normal life.
My Mother kindly said that she would try to pay my rent for November seeing as there's no chance in hell that I'm actually gonna have the money that fast. She gave me some cash for groceries the other day but I didn't tell her that I'd probably be using it to pay my cell phone and internet bills instead (If it's even enough for that). Looks like i'm gonna be starving for another month. How fun it is being an adult. I wish I could just go back to being four years old again. Life was so much easier. I didn't get depressed and the only plans that got ruined were my plans to play with my toys. Now it's like all the forces in the world are focused on taking me down. It feels like the entire universe abhors my existence.
All I can do is take it one day at a time for now and try to get my life back on track. I can't wait to get past all this shit. Maybe I can start off 2014 with something going right for once.
Anyway. That's all the bitching and complaining I have for you today.
I hope your life is better than mine feels right now and congratulations for making it this far without giving up. It might just be more special than you realize :)
So this does not make me feel any better. Much of this is a very accurate desc
Rapist Types and Methods of Avoidance
Power Rapists – Goal to Humiliate
Power Reassurance (a.k.a. “gentleman rapist,” opportunity rapist, compensatory)
§ To possess, not harm
§ Feels inadequacy with women – much self-doubt
§ Restore self-confidence
§ Confirmation of manhood – ensure she enjoyed it
§ Often done in conjunction with another crime
Method of Approach
· Peeping Tom’s (to pre-select victim)
Method of Attack
· Mainly verbal
· Threat of weapon, but often without having one, and any use of weapon will be one of opportunity
· 7-15 day cycle (biological clock)
· Often socially awkward
· Reassures victim’s safety
· Will often attempt to instigate the victim to talk dirty to him, but he will rarely speak obscenely
o “I won’t hurt you, I just want sex”
o “I want you to enjoy this, I’m sorry, I want anal sex, grab the lubricant because I don’t want to hurt you too much”
o “I’m sorry I don’t know why but I had to do this, tell me if I hurt you but do as I say because if you don’t it might hurt”
o “If you cooperate I will be your boyfriend, you are beautiful”
· Attempts foreplay
· Involves victim in sexual activity
· Generally does not engage in alternate sexual practices, and if does, apologize to victim
· Often asks the victim to undress herself, like in a relationship
· Low aggression exhibited
· Does not cause unnecessary harm
· Relies on threat of weapon for compliance
Modus Operandi (MO)
· Selects victim in advance
· Victim in close proximity of rapist
· Attack for short period of time; longer with more compliance
· Contacts victim post attack
· Records attack
· Takes personal items from victim
· Often believes the experience was pleasurable for the victim
· Average education level is 10th grade
· Most often single and living with one or both parents
· Few friends and no sex partner
· Aggressive and possibly seductive mother
· Menial occupation; steady worker
· May be a transvestite, voyeuristic, exhibitionist, fetishist
· Interested in pornography
· Often unathletic and socially awkward
Methods of Avoidance
§ Will tend to terminate the rape if victim resists
§ Most likely of all rapists to be dissuaded if scream, cry, plead, or fight
§ Could be dealing with power assertive rapist starting off with softer approach – do not want to upset that rapist type
§ Start off with nonviolent tactics – crying, pleading, praying aloud – if he becomes verbally abusive, you do not have a power reassurance rapist
§ If you can attack his conscience, or his weak point, the better luck for avoiding the rape
§ Do not attempt to “talk him out of it” – he will interpret that as your enjoying it, like in a relationship – you must use more angry and shocking tactics
§ With this type of rapist, fight; although he will occasionally have a weapon, it is generally an empty threat and he will not want to deal with an overly resistant victim
Ugh. Wish I had known this beforehand.
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So, suddenly I'm being invited out to things by everyone. This is so random...But good. People usually don't offer to include me in things. I feel so loved. I feel like if this keeps up, I'll be healthy in no time flat.
Yesterday I went out for drinks with a whole bunch of my classmates. I drank slightly too much beer and as a result, I was still slightly buzzed when I went to my doctor's appointment afterwards (don't worry, I walked). The doctor told me that I was coming along pretty well and that I can just continue to take my medication for six months or so and then see if I want to stop taking it after that.
Last night I went to a party for a couple of cousins who are visiting from away. One of those cousins is not legal drinking age where he's from but he is where I live, so tonight we are going out to some of the clubs to celebrate. It should be fun.
This is probably the most proper socializing i've done all year. It's sad but true. So I hope I will be included in some more activities this year. I'm kinda excited because for once I have a chance of having a proper social life. I have a chance for a better balance in life and that means there is a chance that I will be happy and comfortable in my own skin.
Today in my HR class, we did a group session called "Personality Dimensions" on personality types. Basically you answer a bunch of questions and then you are given a colour that determines your personality type. Then people sat at tables with other people of the same colour and we discussed the strengths and weaknesses of each colour and how they can affect group work and personal relationships. It was kinda fun and interesting to see what other people's personalities were like and what kind of behaviours were dictated by traits they were born with.
I ended up having a tie between blue and green. I guess that sort of explains the tug of war that is my personality. Apparently blue and green don't naturally get along because blue is more expressive and social and green is kinda the opposite. Imagine how that works in one person's mind lol. Luckily that makes me more agreeable because I can understand multiple points of view at the same time.
I was really hoping that instead of the colour thing we would be doing a Myers Briggs type of test because it explains a lot more about me. However, I am hoping that perhaps people can understand the way I work a little better now. Perhaps it will help us to get along better with each other. I believe that was the point of the whole exercise, so I hope it worked.
So a few days ago I posted about how I applied to be a volunteer at my local animal shelter. Well, yesterday I got an email telling me that I can come in for an orientation session next week. I am so excited. Finally something is going right.
This doesn't necessarily mean that they'll hire me. It just means that I'll get to see what it's like and see if I fit in there. I really hope I do. I haven't thought of a plan B yet if it doesn't go well. So next week is my interview/orientation I guess.
So far no interviews for work. It's beginning to get pretty desperate now. I guess I'm just gonna have to take whatever I can get.
I have always been an intense thinker. It's always funny when something significant is going on in my life because I know I am not as present as I usually would be. Like right now.
A couple of days ago I applied for a volunteer position at my local animal shelter. They said they'd get back to me in 7ish days. I'm so beyond excited. This is the first time in a while that I've actually felt this excited for something. I really really really hope I get a position there.
I applied to be a dog care assistant or a pet photographer. Either would be awesome for me. I love dogs and I want to take care of them. I live in a pet free apartment so I can't have one of my own, but since my two dogs died this spring, I miss having them around. I figured that volunteering at the animal shelter would be a great compromise for my situation.
Since I've been diagnosed with depression, I am now looking for ways to improve my life and put in place some kind of structure that will not allow my mental health to slip so badly again. It's been scientifically proven that having a pet like a cat or a dog decreases stress levels and makes for happier people. I know that's the truth for me.
Whenever I felt sad or stressed out, my dogs were always the non-judgmental company that helped me through it. If I was feeling anxious when someone new came into my home, my little dog would sit on my lap and I would pet him and it would help to calm me down. They're like therapy to me. I don't think my family gets that. They don't understand that I really need that in my life. They didn't understand why I didn't mind the little jobs that dogs create that they hated doing like cleaning up poop, grooming them, feeding them, exercising them etc. It's because to me it was worth it. They gave so much back to me with so much unconditional love that I didn't mind forgiving their faults and looking after them.
My Dad is not totally on board with this whole animal shelter idea because I have yet to find a job. He thinks I should be focusing more on that and using my time to make money. I say, fuck that. I'm gonna do what I need to do. This is my life and i'm gonna do what I think is best for myself now. It's my time to take control of this free falling aircraft before it crashes.
Not only is this a good idea for my mental health, but it sure looks good on a resume too. Being that I am in a business program in college, I think it makes sense to build my portfolio and take some initiative to show that I am an independent, caring and driven individual.
It's not like I'm not looking for jobs anyway. I put out seven resumes the other day to a whole bunch of different places. I'm going to put out another seven too probably. I better get something out of it or so help me god.....
I have a 1980's Nishiki Apache mountain bike that I bought when I lived in Ottawa in 2007/08. I love it to death. I often get quite attached to my bicycles for some reason, but this one has always been special to me. I got it for about 100 bucks at a used bike shop. The guys there had refitted it with a few new parts. I took it for a test drive before I bought it and decided that it would be perfect for what I needed it for. It is a fast and versatile bike. It's light but hardy.
I bought it as a way to get around the city. I used to bike to school on it every day. It was super fast because in Ottawa they have all kinds of bike lanes and parkways that make it way easier to get around for cyclists. They're really into biking in that city.
So I've had this bike for about 6 years now and aside from the usual maintenance like filling tires, cleaning the chain and body, lubricating parts and tightening the brakes, I have done nothing to it. I've ridden it hundreds of kilometres by now i'm sure. I have taken it on quite a few 5-10 hour rides.
Well finally this year, I had a problem with it. I was biking to work one day and I noticed that the left crank shaft was wiggling a lot. Finally I was almost at work and the crank shaft just fell right off the bike. So there I was with one pedal trying to get to work on time. I thought it was just a case of a bolt that had come loose so I tightened it back on when I got home that day. I tried it again the next day and the same thing happened. I decided that it needed an entirely new crank shaft because the threads for the bolt were stripped.
My Dad suggested that I should take it to a bike shop even though I was convinced that I could do the repair myself. I agreed because he said he would pay for it. It ended up that my mother took it in for me.
A few days later it was ready. I had asked them to do a tune up on the bike too. The guy informed me that he had replaced the tires, changed one of the break cables, trued the wheels and replaced the crank shaft. It turns out that he had replaced both sides of the crank shaft. Now I think I understand why he had to do that because it appears that the people who originally repaired the bike had put the inner bearings in wrong. So now my bike had a new front sprocket, but when I got it home and tried it out, the chain started slipping really bad. It turned out that they had put a used sprocket on it and the teeth were pretty much completely worn off it in places. How is a chain supposed to catch on a sprocket with no teeth?
So I took the bike back to the shop and asked them to put a new sprocket on rather than a used one. I was a little bit annoyed at having to come back even though I knew they had only put the used one on to try to save me some money. They said the bike was only worth around $140 dollars now anyway.
They put a new front sprocket on and yesterday I went to pick it up. I took it home and when I was almost home I stopped for a minute. I started back up and the chain started slipping. Oooooh I was not happy. It's so annoying when it slips. So I got home and did some research on the causes for chain slip. I have now come to the conclusion that the reason is basically the same as when people clean up and replace parts in old classic cars. Sometimes it is best to leave the old stuff on because the parts all wear at the same pace and the dirt ends up sealing up some of the gaps that are created from the wear so once you clean the dirt up, it doesn't work so well anymore.
Basically I think what happened is that they replaced the sprocket, but not the chain, so the chain is molded to the old sprocket, but not to this new one. Remember, this chain hasn't been replaced for 6 ish years. Now I am thinking that the chain is stretched so it doesn't stay on the sprocket teeth well enough when you have to put a lot of pressure on the crank. I am so disappointed right now because that means that I can't use my bike yet. I've been waiting for weeks to have my baby back and now that I do, it still won't work right. I was so excited to get to ride it again. This is the second time I've been disappointed like this too.
Now I've decided to just do the chain replacement myself. Tomorrow I am going to get the chain breaker tool and a new chain and just pop it on. If you want something done right you gotta do it yourself I guess. The good news is, I got the new sprocket for free. They didn't charge me anything. So now I have a new sprocket that I paid nothing for and the new chain and the chain tool should only cost me about $22 altogether. Good deal I'd say.
Hopefully I won't have too much trouble being a bike mechanic tomorrow and I'll be back on the road in no time. I'll probably find a way to screw it up though. Who knows what will happen. I'll get back to you with that story I'm sure. Especially if something goes wrong :P
I took four of my favourite stuffed toys from my childhood when I moved out. I think I did it because I remembered how cool I thought it was when I discovered that my Mom still had a stuffed toy from her childhood in the sixties. Plus they were my favourite stuffed toys for a reason, I made all my childhood memories with those things tucked under my arm and they all had personalities when I was little so it's sorta like the remnants of those fictionalized personalities stay with me to this day.
I suppose part of it is also the fault of the Velveteen Rabbit story. I thought it was so sad when I was little that I vowed I would never throw out any of my toys. I think I still have this weird superstitious side that hangs onto that feeling. I know how silly it is, don't worry. I think we all take bits and pieces of our childhood with us into adulthood and hang onto them with a death grip so we can't ever completely forget what it was like to be an innocent little child.
Sometimes the child inside me awakens to find that I am now an adult and I can finally achieve the fantasy of eating all the junk food that I want so I get excited, forget to play the parent to my inner child and I eat an entire bag of croutons in one sitting......Just croutons. No salad.
Wow, so it's been a while since I last wrote anything on here. I have a lot of updating to do. I've been casually checking my profile every so often all summer, but I haven't spent any time writing. Now that summer's over and I'm back to my apartment by myself, I have more free time, so here we go.
I had a mess of a summer. I've been being treated for depression since March, I got meds in June I think and I came off them due to lack of money in mid July so there hasn't been a huge improvement in my life yet. I've been feeling a bit better lately, but I feel like it's a slippery slope and any day now I might just decide not to get out of bed at all. That's bad. That's really bad.
I've actually been getting things done though. Today I spent most of the afternoon and evening writing a resume and getting people I know to look over it for me and give me feedback. I only just finished with that god damn thing now. I'm so sick of Word. Actually I'm so sick of my printer because it won't print the bottom border on a document. I had to do an hour's worth of frigging around with border and margin adjustments just to get it to print that thin little black border that I put around the page. Of course I could have just given up and taken the border off, but this problem has been plaguing me for a while, so I figured I would just bite the bullet today and see if I could come up with a solution. I am proud to say that I did eventually get it worked out so that the printer would print everything exactly the way I want it to, but it inconvenienced me pretty badly. Blaahh formatting issues.
In the last couple of weeks I've been working on getting my life sorted out. I am an introverted person, so it's easy for me to just sit by myself being wrapped up in my thoughts for so long that I just slip into loneliness and depression. I've been trying to make myself do things that will set in place some kind of structure in my life. Right now I only have one friend that I really ever talk to it seems and I haven't seen him for months. I have to work on the making and maintaining friendships thing.
I had government funding last year for school, but over the summer with all my depression and everything I kinda just let it slip away. I didn't file at the proper deadline and I didn't get enough hours to get employment insurance benefits, so I kinda made a huge mess of things. I should have had a job in May, but it was late June before I finally got one and by then my money had ran out and I had literally been going hungry for about two weeks. I spent all summer trying to catch up with all my bills. My father, god bless him, helped me out a lot in the financial department. I was living with him for the summer, so that meant that I didn't have to buy groceries which was a huge help.
I'd have fallen behind way worse if I had to buy my own groceries.
How did I let that happen to myself? I just procrastinated. I'm not quite sure if it was just my natural way, or if it was mostly the depression that did it. I think it was the depression, because last year I didn't seem to have any problem getting up and taking the necessary steps to get where I wanted to be.
Last week in a bizarre burst of energy and motivation, I managed to get my school situation mostly sorted out. It was very complicated and I did a lot of to-ing and fro-ing. There were four projects that I didn't hand in before the end of the last school year, so technically I failed two courses. The only thing is, it was with a medical reason. It was not for lack of trying. I just couldn't get myself out of bed.
Now a couple of weeks ago I was finally forced to think up a new plan for school. My original plan was to carry on full time in my second year with my government funding just like last year and get my diploma in April, but I fucked that up pretty bad so I had to come up with an alternate way of reaching my goals. It seems like I am now just going to have to take a bit more time. I've decided that I am going to go to school part time this year, work and possibly volunteer at the local animal shelter in the dog care department. It seems a bit less stressful to me that way. Plus, now I can get a job somewhere that gets me relevant experience in my area of study (Business Administration). Perhaps if i'm lucky I'll still be working in that job when I start my On the Job Training with the school in 2015 so I can just do it there.
Mostly this year I want a little less stress and a little more variety in life. I also want a chance to make some friends. It's pretty hard to do that when you're slaving away night and day at school. I talked to a couple of my instructors and they were very nice and very supportive of my new plan. My program is supposed to take two years for a diploma, but I am going to make it three and stretch things out a bit so I am not so bogged down and depressed.
My accounting instructor, who was one of the instructors whose class I failed, said that he would let me do the two final projects that I didn't do last year and just hand them in to get the credit for the course since I did everything else but those two projects (actually I did one of them and it took over 35 hours, but in the end I knew it was shit and I didn't understand it well enough so I just didn't pass it in). He also told me that he thought it would be silly if I had to pay to take the course again, so he wouldn't mind if I just sat in on his night course and said nothing to the administration about it. I thought that was super nice of him. I think i'll probably have to do that too because I've gone all summer without doing any accounting and I don't know if I'll remember it all well enough to do the project on my own now.
My Business Communications instructor from last year told me that he might not be teaching the course this year, but that he would vouch for me if another instructor was teaching it. He also said that it would probably be fine if I just handed in the final projects that I missed last year. Of course they need a doctor's note, which is still on my agenda for this week.
Now all I have to do is figure out how I am going to pay for the courses that I am taking this year. Government student loans take 6 weeks to process and by the time I got it, it would be too late. Plus they don't always approve people so then you have to appeal the decision and it's just a big hassle in every way. It's like they try their best to make sure no one who actually needs a student loan gets one. So this year, I think I'm going to have to talk to my bank and see if I can get one from them. If not, I think I'm pretty well screwed.
The courses only cost $360 each, which is really not that much, but I don't have that kinda money just hangin' around. Especially not after the difficult financial summer I've had. Priorities; Pay my rent or pay for college? God damn I hate when I have no money.
Anyway, as of right now my life is a mess but at least it's not as big of a mess as it was a couple of weeks ago. I hope my plan actually works out this year. I'll have to try way harder to keep myself from slipping back into that serious slump I was in earlier this year. I'm crossing my fingers so hard I might break them. I could use a bit of good luck this winter....
So it's the summer again, and that means busier roads and lots of horrible drivers. I don't usually count myself among them, but today I do. I haven't updated this blog in a while so this should be a fairly lengthy story.
Today I took the day off from work. I started working at my summer job on the 24th of June and I have been working five days a week ever since mowing a pioneer cemetery with a push mower on the hottest days of the summer. It's no wonder I am exhausted. I took the day off today so that I could go to two appointments. One with my therapist and one with my doctor. I had a really bad sleep last night so I have been terribly tired all day. You can probably see where this is going.
Bad things happen when I have to drive myself places while I am really tired. I miss all kinds of important things. Today was one of those days when I went from a very good, very aware driver to a horribly dangerous driver. I live in the country thank god, so I couldn't do too much damage. I spent the day in the capital city though and as I was driving from my therapy appointment to my doctor's appointment, I stopped at a stop sign. I stopped and then started moving and I was watching the truck to the right of me as he didn't seem to be stopping. He made a momentary pause and then pulled out in front of me. I had to stop obviously, but what I hadn't noticed until then was that I had just pulled out right onto the crosswalk in front of a woman. She was looking at me angrily. I quickly apologized and was on my way. I was a bit shaken because I hadn't noticed the woman at all and that's scary. I could have hit her. I had to remind myself not to be in such a rush and to slow down and take enough time to look around while I was driving.
Usually as a pedestrian living in a town, I get pretty annoyed with people who pull out into the crosswalk in front of me. Unfortunately it happens all too often. I never think that I would be the one doing something stupid like that.
That wasn't my only stupid driver moment today though. It gets worse. I was on my way home and I was driving on the highway (which is two way traffic with one lane per direction because I live in a very small place). I got stuck behind two painfully slow drivers and there was no place to pass. There were three cars behind me, one of which was a bright red convertible. The slow cars in front of me then got stuck behind an even slower dump truck. We were absolutely crawling along and there was no way to get by them. Eventually there came a fairly good opportunity. You have to be a pretty aggressive driver where I am from in order to get past anyone because the passing places are few and far between and they are all very short. The road is very twisty and so there is not much space between turns to pass people. Often times people get stuck in the other lane with an oncoming car and have to pull back into their lane somehow. There is a fair amount of risk involved with passing here.
The truck in front of me which was only a little faster than the car in front of him finally decided to pass the dump truck. I figured now was my chance and there should have been room for me to go except that, unbeknownst to me, the red convertible behind me had already made the decision to pass and was now sitting comfortably in my blindspot (I was driving a minivan). I am in no way making excuses because it was totally my fault. I assumed there was no one beside me and started to pull into the other lane without checking first. I have a nasty habit of starting to turn before I actually turn my head to look beside me. Luckily I still do check, so I saw him just in time and I heard the guy's girlfriend shriek and the man driving the car laid on his horn. I quickly pulled back into my lane and yelled an apology to him as he passed. I felt horrible. I told myself that I should not be on the road at all today. Sometimes I am a total hazard to society.
I then attempted again to pass the dump truck, but by this time the room to pass was running out quickly. I was meeting a car so I was forced to wedge myself back into my lane between the last remaining slow car and the dump truck. Obviously the dump truck driver was in agreement with me that I was a road hazard, so a bit further on he pulled off to the side of the road to let me pass. Now that's pretty bad. You know you're a bad driver when someone does that. I am so so glad that my Dad wasn't with me. There would have been a crash for sure because he would have been frantically yelling at me and grabbing for the nonexistent holy shit handles if not trying to grab the steering wheel. Perhaps he would have made me let him drive, which would have been nice. I didn't feel much like driving today, especially after all that. I should just never drive when I am that tired.
Later on down the road, the opposite lane closed off. I thought there had been an accident, but then realized that what I was seeing was several huge mounds of hay on the road blocking the lane. Three bales of hay had fallen off the back of a truck, had fallen apart of course and were now blocking an entire lane of traffic. Myself and the guy in the convertible, along with a motorcyclist who had also tried to rid himself of me, pulled over to help get the hay off the road. Several cars had already pulled over and the people were picking up hay and throwing it on the side of the road. The man in the convertible got out and walked past me as I was about to get out of my van. I apologized to him again because I figured he hadn't heard me when I said it on the road. He made a sort of smile-frown at me and kept walking. You know the kind of face that says he wasn't very impressed but he might sort of forgive me even though he really didn't want to. I know every one of the people who witnessed my driving today thought I was just the biggest idiot and I don't blame them. I would think that too if I were them. I would be gasping and oohing along with the rest of them. It's not like I haven't almost been run off the road before though. I have had it happen to me on a divided highway several times by both passenger cars and transport trucks. It doesn't matter who or where it is, it's always scary.
I suppose in a way I pulled over to help move the hay off so that I could redeem myself a bit for my stupidity and for putting other people's lives in danger. I suppose I figured it would make me feel slightly better about myself and perhaps other people would see that I wasn't a bad person just because I am a bad driver sometimes. I also just felt like I should do it anyway and I would probably do the same whether I had just almost killed someone or not.
This has not been a good day at all. People never have sympathy for the idiot driver. People are quick to assume that those people are clearly just assholes who don't care about anyone but themselves. They probably think that I would excuse my behavior by saying how much of a hurry I was in and they probably think that I was wearing dark sunglasses, had lots of money and was probably talking on my bluetooth headset. They'd either think that or think that it was a) because I am a woman b) because I am mentally retarded or c) both. This kind of thing has a profound impact on me. It makes me feel like shit. I can't take any of those things back now and thank god no one was hurt, but still... I'm surprised no one called the cops on me for dangerous driving.
I went to the doctor today to do a follow up on my depression and whether my medication has been working or not. I only started it a couple of weeks ago and it certainly has been helping, but I feel like this driving business put a hole through my self esteem. I feel like such a horrible person right now. I'm basically only writing about this to make myself feel a bit better. I also haven't written a blog for about a month so that gave me yet another reason.
Today, I officially am the poorest that I have been for probably over 5 years. I am a very careful person when it comes to my money, and I am usually careful enough that I have not allowed myself to get into any kind of sticky situation when it comes to my finances. This year is different though. I've spent pretty much all of my savings and I am down to just 18 dollars in my bank account. I probably don't need to point out that 18 dollars is not enough to pay my rent for next month. It's barely even enough to buy a week's worth of groceries. What's worse? I can't even use all 18 of it because there is a minimum requirement of 5 dollars to keep my bank account open. That leaves me 13 dollars to buy food with. Yippee....It's a good thing I still have flour and stuff to make biscuits because it looks like i'm gonna be living off them for a couple of weeks lol. I am so glad that I know how to bake, otherwise I would be fucked.
I could literally list on my two hands the things that I have in my apartment that are edible. I suppose I won't starve though. I don't actually have enough of anything or the right ingredients to make any kind of full meal that I can think of, but partial meals are better than nothing I guess. I suppose I will just have to get creative. Luckily, I am not a super picky, super high maintenance person so I don't care if my food is not optimal. As long as my stomach stops growling lol.
Why am I down to 18 dollars though? I blame it on my debit card. When I was younger and I didn't have a debit card, I kept a very careful watch on my bank balance and on how much things cost. I monitored every penny that I spent, budgeted it all and never bought anything that I deemed to be unnecessary or frivolous. Now that I have a debit card, I find I am much more prone to overspending or even perhaps forgetting what the cost of something was. I sometimes find myself not even looking at how much the total amount owed is on the debit machine screen and just pay whatever it is without thinking. How unlike myself. I don't know if I am the only person to do that, but I am certainly not being as careful with my money as I used to be. I think I may go back to paying for things with cash so that I actually have to think about what I am doing and so that I can see the physical material money being given to the cashier. I think that's what I need to do.
It's not like I spend my money foolishly though. Over the past six months I have spent it on food, rent, utilities, books for school, tuition and housewares like mats for my bathroom or what have you. I thought after I bought my bath mats that they were not indeed completely necessary and that I was not any happier after buying them really. I guess I do like having them, but I should not have bought them. They were unnecessary.
I attribute this unusually silly expense on the fact that I seem to expect that I can live in the same level of comfort that my father and mother could provide even though I am a student, I have not had a job for over a year and most people my age are getting by with much less than I have. It's also kinda like when I get depressed I buy things to make myself temporarily happier. It does work a little bit, but in the long run it's even worse.
I seem to think that I have to be at the same standard of living as always, or else I will be dreadfully unhappy. I suppose in a way it is true. I am not as resilient as my older sister and brother when it comes to living simply. I don't have a TV, but really who needs a TV these days if you have a computer and an internet connection? I think right now, if I could maintain my apartment and the way things are for me, I could be happy to live this way for the rest of my life. I do not live extravagantly or anything, but it's comfortable enough. I suppose in comparison to what some people can afford it is extravagant, but I mean I am not rich or well off by North American standards.
I do know that I am doing much better than my older sister was doing at 20. She is not much for planning ahead though and she spent all her money on booze, so there was a reason that she wasn't doing as well. She's jealous of me now because I actually planned ahead so I have decent appliances and housewares. She hates me for having that stuff because she is always scrounging around for stuff and buying things at thrift stores. I admire that about her though. She knows how to stretch a dollar. She can survive with very little and she is always fairly happy with her circumstances. She doesn't really complain anyway. I wish I was as tough and resilient as she is sometimes. But then again, I would rather not have to live by stealing bread and meat from grocery stores to make it by. She doesn't seem to mind doing that. She can rationalize anything. She doesn't seem to feel guilty about stealing things from department stores or businesses that make big bucks by stepping on the little guys. I sort of see her point, but it's still a crime. I would never have the stones to do that.
I laughed the other day when I realized that I haven't worked in over a year. It makes me feel like a sleazeball. I was fired last February from my last job and spent the entire spring and summer being fairly depressed and living off of employment insurance. I was living with my Dad, so when I found out that I had to stop my EI in order to qualify for government funding for school, it was not much of a hardship to do so. I had mostly been saving it up for later anyway. I feel like I am totally playing the system or taking advantage of it or something, but most people I've talked to about it have told me that I am smart to make it work for me this way and they seem to be of the opinion that if their taxes are going to go towards anything, then they would like to see it help me or other young people by giving them a leg up. Now that I have failed one of my college courses I feel especially guilty because now I feel like I am wasting taxpayer money by not succeeding. I suppose I am, but at least I am not buying 45 billion dollars worth of fighter jets. The amount of money that is being spent on me is a tiny drop in the bucket in the scheme of things. More money has been spent on sillier things.
From another angle, I feel somewhat proud that I can say that I saved up enough money and planned ahead well enough to be able to go a year without working. What 20 year old can say that they payed for two months of rent and living expenses with nothing but savings? The ones with rich parents usually. But they didn't have to work in a crappy minimum wage job to get that money. It's not so often people from my low income/ lower middle class family type of upbringing can do something like that, let alone a "silly young person". I put the forward slash in there because I am not sure where my family stands in terms of income threshold. It's complicated since my parents aren't actually divorced, but they don't live together or share income. If they were actually divorced and my mother lived alone then she would be middle class, but my father is classified as low income and I've lived exclusively with him for 6 or 7 years. My childhood was a middle class childhood though. My parents were living together then and they had more disposable income. My mother hadn't yet racked up as much debt and my father was still a stay at home Dad back then. My mother has worked for the federal government for over 20 years, so she has always had a steady income and a decent paycheck ever since I can remember. She can't afford to do anything with that nice paycheck now but to pay her own rent and pay off her credit card debt. When all is said and done, there is very little left to share.
I think today my financial situation has been bothering me because, if you've been paying attention to my previous posts, you'd know that I am struggling with depression right now. I went to a doctor's appointment today to find out if I could get medication for it. My doctor gave me a presc
I'm feeling kinda good today. I feel victorious in a way. Like I have finally succeeded in something. I think if I can survive this next couple of weeks, then I will be fine. It won't be too much longer 'till I start my job. I may have to ask my Dad to loan me a few hundred dollars to pay the next month's rent though because I won't get my first paycheck in time to pay it. Either that or I will see how understanding my landlady would be if I asked her to wait an extra week for her money. I imagine she would, but I can't be totally sure. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to ask.
Anyway. I think I will go eat a biscuit now :P I've tried to get a hold of my older brother because it is his birthday today, but he's a hard man to track down. I guess I'll have to try to call him again. *awkward silence*
I logged on today wondering what I might write about. I usually don't have to think too hard because most of the time when I write something here it is because it is on my mind. Today I am just bored, so I was trying to think of things to do and I guess writing is just one of the best pastimes I can think of.
I have decided that I am going to write about my two best friends. I decided this because as I was inspecting my groups looking for topics I saw something scroll by which caught my eye in the recently joined groups thing at the top and that was "I miss my ex-best friend". I thought about joining that group for a second, but then I decided not to because it would make a better blog post than story I think. I also was thinking that my ex-best friend may be my best friend again some day.
So now if you are wondering what the deal was with this ex-best friend of mine I'll tell you. Her name was Sarah. We are actually second cousins, but since I only met her when I was in my teens I think of her more as a friend than a cousin. We met when I moved from my original home to the place where my father still lives now. It was the community that Sarah had grown up in and I had only met her once when I was quite young. I didn't even realize that she was my cousin. I remember the first time that I talked to her I was at the beach with my family. I struck up a conversation with her and we swam together for a while just talking about girl stuff I guess. I don't remember what my awkward 13 year old self talked about really.
Over time we saw more and more of each other. My older brother and sister and I used to get a bunch of the kids in the community together to play manhunt. We didn't discriminate according to age or anything because we were home schooled and quite used to being in diverse groups of people. It wasn't in our nature to exclude any able bodied kid from playing with us. Plus, for a good game of manhunt, you need as many people as you can get. We even used to get kids from miles away to come out on friday nights and play.
If you are not familiar with the rules of manhunt I will explain them briefly. There are generally two teams of people formed and it is basically a big game of hide and seek tag only it is during the night time and it is on teams rather than a free for all. Since we lived in the country, there were plenty of good places to play. Generally it would be in someone's yard, but when I say yard I mean yard, woods, fields etc. Wherever you could find a good hiding place. The team that was seeking would have flashlights and if they spotted you, you had to run as fast as you could to the designated ba
When I turned 14 I decided to go to public school finally. I was tired of being left alone all day with my little brother helping him do his work and trying to learn mine on my own. I was tired of being my Dad's secretary too. I decided it was time to have some structure. I started in the second semester of grade nine and I hated it. Well, I sort of hated it. I liked that I already knew a good number of the kids that I was in class with. A lot of them had been a part of our manhunt games at some point or else I had seen them at teen dances before or knew them from visiting friends or going to birthday parties. It was an easier transition than most people could hope for.
My friend Sarah was a year younger than me though, so I didn't see her in school during the first year. I only really saw her on the bus, but we would usually sit together. It was the next year that we really started to be close friends. She and I would do these pointless walking loops around the school during break times and just chat. I guess it's what a lot of kids did. Just walked around and talked to everyone. I would go to dances with her and my other best friend, Chelsea. I was never really drunk, but neither was Chelsea so it worked out ok. They would come over and hang out at my house and we would just talk. That's pretty much all it took to entertain us. In the summertime we went to beach bonfires together. We were almost inseparable.
I never really got how that worked though, because we all had such amazingly different personalities. If you knew us each individually, you might not think we'd get along. Sarah was fiery and demanding. A bit infuriating sometimes, but I guess Chelsea and I just got a kick out of her because she was so bold. She was not afraid to be herself and she almost never stopped talking. Sometimes she'd talk so long on one breath I'd think she should have passed out. She wasn't super girly though. She was actually a bit of a tomboy most of the time. She always told me that she didn't like girls and she'd rather be friends with guys. She always said that she thought hey were way less catty. She was a bit of a drama queen as well though and she hung around with guys that I didn't really have any use for. She loved to drink and she often got in spats with other girls. I usually avoid people like that, but for some reason I didn't avoid her. She was really small though. She was about 5'5 and 115Ibs so it was sort of funny how feisty she was for such a small, weak looking person. I found her fun and she was always a pretty loyal friend. We never fought and there was never any drama between us. She would never refuse you if you wanted to hang out either.
My friend Chelsea was similar in ways I suppose, but just in the ways that you would think would make her not get along with Sarah. Chelsea was really pretty, flirty with guys but not slutty, very sure of herself and she had a very colourful personality. She was wacky in a good way. She was creative and she loved to have fun. She could get very attached to guys though. She was the kind of girl who, once she was in a relationship, it was hard to separate her from her man for a girls night or anything. She would always ask if her boyfriend could come along. Usually I was friends with her boyfriends too so it wasn't that big of a deal, but it was slightly annoying at times.
She had a very sober side to her though. She could be very compassionate but very tough with people at the same time. She was a planner like me I suppose and although she was more spontaneous in her actions than I would be, she was still quite cool headed and dependable unlike Sarah who would lose her cool and make rash decisions. It always felt like the three of us were a great trio though and we always had fun together. I always kinda felt like it took both myself and Chelsea to rein in Sarah sometimes, but I guess neither of us really minded being her sober thinkers.
As soon as Chelsea and I graduated it changed drastically. Chelsea went off and did her own thing. She was studying tourism and hospitality and even though we were only an hour apart, we sort of lost touch. I would say that it was mainly my fault. I am not that great at keeping in touch with people and when I get depressed it's even worse. I suppose that fall I was depressed because It felt like I was the only one who was not going to college right away. Instead, I stuck around home with my Dad and went back to high school for a couple of courses. This actually reunited me with Sarah because, as I said before, she was a year younger than me and so I was back in school with her doing our laps of the school and talking the way we always did.
Once she graduated it really fell apart. She didn't have a plan for her life except that she wanted to get out of her parents' house. I still hung out with her and whatnot until she moved away. She started sharing an apartment with Chelsea. It was trouble from the beginning. At the beginning of the year Sarah had gotten into a relationship with a passive aggressive and physically abusive guy. I met him only once and he creeped me out really badly. He came across like a bit of a psychopath or something. You could tell that he had complete control over her without even trying. She had always had trouble with relationships. She has the "fixer" trait. She always went for guys who had problems. Guys who needed fixing.
She was the supporter of what she perceived as the underdog and this time it got her in worse trouble than ever before. All year I worried for her. Her mental health was deteriorating and the stories she told about how they would both be drinking and driving scared me. Finally it came to a climax in about November of that year. She was roommates with Chelsea and just like me, Chelsea didn't like Sarah's boyfriend too much. I guess from what I heard, Chelsea told Sarah that she didn't want her to have her boyfriend in their apartment because he made her feel unsafe. I mean, I probably would have felt the same way. I think it turned into a heated argument though and Sarah was extremely offended. She packed up all her stuff and left. She got an apartment a half hour away from me with her boyfriend and the next time I saw Chelsea I got the whole story.
Then one day while I was working at a coffee shop, Sarah came in to see me. I hadn't heard Sarah's side of the story and I was afraid to ask in case she jettisoned me out of her life as well. She told me that she had an ulcer in her stomach and so she hadn't been eating. It was apparent to me that she was severely depressed even though she would never admit that. I didn't tell her that I thought so either because she would have thought I was full of shit. She would have thought it was none of my business. I remember of sitting down with her in the middle of my shift and talking while my boss glared at me from behind the counter. He yelled at me that he needed me to get back to work, so I didn't have adequate time to talk to her. I just remember that she left and as I was leaning out the drive through window giving someone their coffee, she yelled something to me. I asked her to repeat it about three times and I still never heard her. I am not sure to this day what she said, but I guess it must have been god damn important because the next time I tried to talk to her she ignored my texts even though I knew full well that it was the right number and that she was seeing them.
I was confused as to why she had boycotted me now too, because as far as I knew I had not said anything to insult her. I guess when a person is being controlled by someone else, you don't have to say anything at all. I was mad and disappointed with her. I still am I guess. I don't understand how people can be so oblivious to how they are being manipulated into being totally isolated. I guess I was mad that she didn't have an 'aha' moment. We haven't talked since that day at the coffee shop over a year ago. So there goes my two best friends. One is on the other side of the world and I hardly talk to her anymore because I feel like we have almost nothing in common now and all she wants to do is talk about her boyfriend. The other one is refusing to talk to me.
The only reason I got for why Sarah won't talk to me was third hand word. It came to me transmitted through her brother to my sister to me. My sister said it had something to do with me "ruining all her plans" or something like that. I have no effing clue what plans I ruined, but that's Sarah. She's not always the most rational person in the world. I don't know if we'll ever talk again, but I guess I would like it if we could. Maybe she is over her grudge by now. I do know that she is not with her abusive boyfriend anymore and in fact she is testifying against him in court for an assault that he committed on some other guy. I am happy to hear that. I think her life is mostly back on track. I just don't know if there is any room for me in it anymore.
I spent the last week visiting my Dad and my little brother. It was somewhat impromptu really. My therapist asked me what I was going to do over the weekend and I told her that I was going to go visit one of my aunts or uncles. I wasn't really sure that I would actually go through with that plan though. Later that day (Friday) my Dad called me and asked me if I was going on the bird count. I had totally forgotten about the bird count. I decided that I would go up for that. I brought a couple of changes of clothes with me and it turned out I should have taken more with me because I ended up staying a whole week. I was also a little annoyed that I didn't think to bring a sweater with me.
The bird count is a family tradition. My Dad, two of my uncles, one of my aunts and a friend of the family do this thing every year. They used to call it the birdathon because it is an entire day of birdwatching. We go around from place to place in about a 50+ kilometer area with our cars and binoculars and try to spot as many different species of birds as we can. One of my uncles has always been very passionate about ornithology and I've often wondered why he didn't study to be a biologist. I think the whole reason we go on this expedition every year is because of him. My family is very tradition oriented so they just enjoy the outing and whatnot. I enjoy it too I suppose. It's nice to have a reason to be outside all day. I've been involved in this tradition since I was little too. My father purposely involved me and my siblings in it so that we could gain an appreciation for nature.
I think my favourite birds to spot are:
The Blackburnian Warbler
The American Redstart Warbler
The Bald Eagle
The Northern Gannet
The Common Merganser because of the female's funky crest and the male's beautiful green head.
The Blue Winged Teal
and The Northern Parula Warbler
I managed to see all of those birds and I also am amazed to say that we saw 10 Bald Eagles in the same place. Absolutely insane. We do live near a fishing port though, so they figure the reason there are so many is because the fishermen dump their old bait (silversides and mackerel) in the water and it's easy food for the eagles.
We have basically a list of places that we go every year to look for birds. Each one has been chosen for its habitat and of course the previous year's experience of whether we were successful in finding many species there. There is no set time limit to look for birds. We just stay there as long as we have the patience to and it all depends on how much hope we have of finding something. My uncle started going on bird counts when he was in his early twenties I believe. He told me that he's been doing it for about 40ish years.
The purpose of the bird count is to keep track of the species in the area and if there are any unusual sightings or newcomers to the area. It helps to monitor those things in order to understand the overall change in climate, habitat etc. These things are monitored by the government. It's the same with butterflies and dragonflies. People go around collecting samples of those as well to get an idea of populations, species and distribution. I've done a bit with dragonflies and butterflies as well, but that is a challenging job. They have to be caught with nets which can take quite a while, then put in a labeled envelope, frozen and then given to the governmental biologists. It's more time consuming than a bird count.
On bird counts you just take one day that is prescribed for your whole area and on that day, people all over the area will spend the entire day going around counting species. This is what we do. We even pack a picnic so that at lunchtime we can stop at one of our favourite spots and eat a good lunch. It makes it kinda fun. There are always tuna sandwiches, cheese, homemade cookies with strawberry jam centres,crackers and consommé which is made from beef broth and sherry. I don't know why, but the consommé is a traditional thing to have and it is absolutely imperative that it is included. Don't ask me why. I guess my family just really loves it. It's been that way since before I was born.
Then after the bird count it is always a tradition that we have supper at my uncle's house and we have lobster with melted butter, and coconut cream pie for dessert. I guess you might as well go whole hog when you've spent the entire day walking around being eaten by black flies and mosquitoes. It doesn't sound very fun when I describe it that way, but it does have a tendency to get a bit miserable at times. This year it was raining on and off all day, so that was kinda annoying, but there were hardly any bugs because of it which was a positive.
The rest of the week was mostly sunny and warm. My little brother then performed in a spring concert for his school and I attended of course. I had only been planning to stay up for the weekend, but when my little brother told me that he had two concerts this week, I figured I better just stay a little longer and go watch him play. He's in the school band and he plays the french horn so I had to see that performance on Thursday. Then he played his electric guitar for the spring concert on Wednesday. I was the photographer for all that so I got some good photos. Then later yesterday I spent the evening walking around taking pictures of the scenery and the sunset. It was nice. The weather was sunny and it was the hottest day so far this year so I was sweating a lot. My favourite little cafe also opened yesterday. It only opens for the tourist season from June to September so it's always a bit of an event when it opens for the season. Every kid in the community plots to go there on opening day every year.
I picked my little brother up from school and he was quick to express his gratitude to me for saving him from a long, noisy, stinky, hot bus ride home. We went straight from there to the cafe and had our favourite meals with their signature dessert. It was quite a good day.
Today I felt cranky though. I guess that might have had something to do with the fact that it was overcast and gloomy today. I also was a bit miffed because of a misunderstanding that occurred with my father. I feel better now though. I've eaten some birthday cake oreos and now I am just lying on my bed with the blankets over me and I feel fairly comfortable. It feels good to get back to my apartment. It's funny how it feels like home to me now. I appreciate the quiet more now since I have had to live with my brother and father for the past week and put up with their mess. Then also you sacrifice a good amount of privacy when you are living with family. I like my privacy.
Now I guess I will end this blog here. I have nothing else that I really need to be doing but I can't write infinite blogs, so I am trying to find a way to finish this off elegantly. It's not working. It's just sounding choppy and awkward. Ok.....
These are the best/prettiest actresses according to me. I know I have a very long list of crushes on male actors, so I thought it only fair that I include some women now. These are the actresses that I have a girl crush on or I just think are great at what they do and have a good personality. I think they are mostly either extremely talented, beautiful or both. They are the girls whose looks I would kill for lol. I have great respect for all of them.
I'm not sure who to put at the top really. Maybe I just won't rank them.
Kristen Kreuk (Smallville, brief appearance on Chuck) because I think she might be the most beautiful woman alive. She has the kind of eyes I wish I had and her skin pretty much glows. Like, wow. Jealous. It also doesn't hurt that she hails from the same country as me.
Rachel McAdams (The notebook, Sherlock Holmes) I think she is stunning and I lover her laugh. It is almost musical. I can picture her as a really awesome mother for some reason lol. She was really good in the notebook and I am proud that she is another fellow Canadian.
And Rachel Weisz.(The Bourne Legacy, The Mummy, Definitely Maybe etc) I always just think she seems like a nice person. She has an extremely expressive face as well and I like her acting.
Jennifer Lawrence of course. (The Hunger Games, Silver Linings Playbook) I admire her for being herself. She is also just naturally charming. I think she has a great personality and she is a very good actress as well. I give her major props for beginning to redefine what a role model for women and girls should be and for daring to wear little or no makeup to a party full of famous people and still looking amazing. Plus there was her refreshing sense of humor with regards to her well publicized Oscars fall and how she handled that with grace and a bit of spunk. What person male or female doesn't have a crush on Jennifer Lawrence right now?
^This was not how she handled it btw. I just thought it illustrated her fearfulness pretty well.
Marion Cotillard (Public Enemies, Inception, The Dark Knight Rises) because she is just very naturally beautiful and I always admire actors/actresses who act in
a language that is not their first language. Plus she is good at what she does and she has a sexiness that I wish I had lol.
I'm going to include Audrey Hepburn as well even though she is long deceased because she was a really great actress. I liked the quirkiness of her characters and she was also beautiful of course. I like that old fashioned classiness and charm. Then I also admire her because she had a rough early life and she seemed to make it ok just the same so I think she was inspirational as well. (My Fair Lady, Breakfast at Tiffany's etc)
Zooey Deschanel. (Elf, 500 Days of Summer, Yes Man, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy)
She has the most beautiful eyes and her smile is very pretty too. I think she looks somewhat better with light hair. I think she is a pretty good actress as well although her style and choice of characters is pretty predictable most of the time. I do like her individuality though even though she gets a lot of flack for being a hipster. I still think I might have liked her the most in Elf for some reason. I think every woman wishes they could sound as good as she did when they are shower singing lol.
Emma Watson of course. (Harry Potter franchise, The Perks of Being a Wallflower) She is increasingly becoming the ob
Julianne Moore. I haven't seen much of her work, but I saw her in Magnolia and that was enough to tell me that she is a fantastic actress. She is also beautiful and she looks a bit like one of my teachers from high school.
Emilia Clarke (Game of Thrones). She is another one of those radiant beauties that I would categorize with Kreuk, Deschanel, Cotillard and McAdams. She just looks very fresh and she has nice eyes. I think she is another one of those actresses who is not a bimbo. I like her character on Game of Thrones and I think she is talented. Plus last time I checked she was dating Seth MacFarlane who happens to be one of the crushes that I listed, so good for her lol.
Gwyneth Paltrow.(The Iron Man franchise, Shakespeare in Love, Country Strong) It helps that she is married to one of my crushes, so I am glad to let her have him lol. I like her because she also seems like an intelligent person. I think she seems like a very dedicated mother which is nice. She comes across as being very down to earth. I think she really won me over in Country Strong. I was surprised because I kinda watched it by accident and wasn't expecting much (one of those random movies that plays on the movie channel, yuh know) but I thought it was really well done. I was especially impressed with her singing abilities. I loved her in that movie and I don't even like country music that much. She is, of course, beautiful as well in a sort of nice girl way. She looks like a religious clean living person or something. I think she has pretty fantastic fashion sense too. Or else she has a very very good stylist. I like her clothes is the point lol.
Then we have Audrey Tautou. I know her only because I watched Amelie on TV once and she totally won me over in that movie. I loved it. She had a very old fashioned way about her or something. She also has that radiant fresh kind of beauty. She looks sort of modest in a way, but her eyes make her look like a doe or something.
Then there is another brown eyed beauty. Winona Ryder. I like her because she has substance. I may have subconsciously chosen the word substance because she has some substance abuse issues as well I believe. She has a bit of a dark side with her Beverly Hills shoplifting spree and everything, but for some reason that doesn't surprise me or bother me that much. She has some pretty good acting talent and I thought that her character in Black Swan was very well portrayed. I also have a soft spot for Edward Scissorhands and I like that she worked with Tim Burton who happens to be my favourite director. She is a bit different, so I appreciate that.
Charlize Theron. (Hancock, Prometheus, Snow White and the Huntsmen) She is another one of those women that you wonder how anyone could get that pretty. I think that she also has a pretty good head on her shoulders. I like her acting too and there is that short hair admiration again lol.
Then there is Isla Fisher who I think is quite quirky. I really liked her in The Wedding Crashers because she was quite funny and also in Definitely Maybe because she was great in that as well.
Cate Blanchett (Lord of the Rings, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button etc) because she seems like a proper lady and I like her film choices. She is a very talented actress.
Meryl Streep because she is an inspiration. I think she is beautiful and talented and I am impressed that she is still doing so well at her age. I think it is tough, especially for women, to make a go of the film business once they get into their 50's, 60's and beyond. I hope I still have that much energy and commitment when I am her age. I didn't expect her to be in a movie like Mamma Mia, but she really did a great job in that too lol.
and how could a person leave out Betty White. She is hilarious, beautiful and I hope I am as cool as her when I get to her age haha. Come on, how can you not smile when you see her?
Now I am going to include a couple of much younger actresses that I like.
The first will be Annasophia Robb. I remember seeing her in Because of Winn Dixie, Bridge to Tarabithia and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I think she is a good actress. I was surprised when I looked for photos of her to discover that she is only a year younger than me. I was really shocked to see her all grown up lol. She is still very pretty and I always thought she looked pixieish.
Saoirse Ronan, whose name is pronounced Sair-sha lol. I first saw her in Atonement and I thought she was a great actress then. She has since become even better. I was also impressed with her acting in The Lovely Bones and Hanna. I like her choices in movies and she has not yet been overly sexualized by the media, so that's nice. I hope she stays that way. She is still pretty young, so I feel like once she is old enough that guys won't feel pedophilic to like her, then her media image may change. I just hope not. She is very pretty and she seems quick witted. I admire her for that.
Last but not least, we have Maisie Williams. I like her a lot too. She is still pretty down to earth even though she is now enjoying enormous success from Game of Thrones. I like how sharp she seems and even though she is very young, she is also surprisingly well spoken and charismatic. She is actually a fair bit like her Game of Thrones character, only with less anger and more tact.
Women in media jobs that I don't have much respect for include: Snookie, Miley Cyrus, Kim Kardashian, Taylor Swift, Megan Fox, Eva Longoria, Ashley Tisdale, Jennifer Aniston, Avril Lavigne and others.
Some women that I do have respect for who are also beautiful that I have not listed would include: Rose Leslie, Emma Stone, Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman.
I might also include Kristen Stewart in that actually. I think that her acting is absolutely horrible, but she seems to have a brain in her head and I respect her film choices aside from Twilight. I think that she is a bit of a tomboy and she doesn't seem to mind being honest about that and true to herself so that is nice for a change. I also like her converse addiction because I have one too. So as a person, I think she would be cool to hang out with. As an actress, she sucks and Twilight both gained a lot of respect for her and lost a lot of it at the same time. I think she will have trouble being taken seriously now since her breakout was a hugely popular film franchise that has also taken an awful lot of flack.
She has a lot of haters is what I am trying to say. I just think that we should judge her on other things perhaps. Plus you have to wonder if you'd really be much better than she was in those movies. It's amateurish because she is still an amateur. I like how uncomfortable she looks in interviews because I know that she does exactly what I would do in that same situation. She fidgets, looks uncomfortable and bites her lip a lot. It's kinda refreshing because it shows how human she is. We are so used to those super confident, charismatic people in interviews so it's neat to see that they are not all that good at it lol.
Anyway, this concludes my favourite celebrity women post.
Here you go.
Hot off the press.
It has now been a couple of years since I've attended a wedding. The last couple of years for me have been peppered with funerals of various family members it seems. Well, today there was finally a wedding.
My cousin got married today to a lady that I have only met one other time in my life and have never spoken to besides to say hello. It's not that she isn't a nice person, I just haven't seen her much at all. But today was all about them. It was nice to do a little celebrating and it occurred to me that this will be the last time for quite a while probably that I will be attending a family member's wedding.
I had a great time today. I have a very big family and I love all of them, so it was really good to see everyone. Of course the dance after the wedding is always my favourite part. I love to dance and weddings are a good excuse to embarrass yourself with silly dance moves. It is always great because my family likes to get a bit silly as well. No matter how crazy I get, my little brother will always be crazier so it is never all that worrisome anyway. I just wish that when people danced, they would be as crazy as they could so that no one would feel embarrassed to be a weird dancer. If everyone is weird, who cares? People are so self conscious though. I always think that the more wonky you are willing to get at a wedding dance, the more fun you are as a person. I love when people are weird dancers because it shows me that they are just willing to have a good time and they don't care how they look to other people. Just as long as it's fun.
Another reason that I love weddings is that I get to dress up. It is one of those occasions where people expect you to look a little fancier and I guess I love wearing my fancier clothes so it is right up my alley. I bought some new shoes today for the wedding because I had nothing to go with my dress.
These are the shoes except mine are completely black including the heel.
And #8 in this picture is the closest dress I could find to the one I was wearing only mine has a thin black belt as well.
I felt good in my new shoes and my nice little dress. I like to feel girly sometimes. The only thing that is a problem to me is that my dress is just almost too short to dance properly. I hate dresses that make it hard to move around on the dance floor without fearing that you are flashing people. I was a bit worried at times that I was flashing skin so I had to restrict my movement a bit, but I think I was successful in not showing people what they would rather not see. I hope I was.
Now that the dance is over, I am feeling pretty sweaty and gross. I still have tons of energy though because I slept in pretty late today. It's getting to be a pretty hard habit to break. Anyway, so today was a good day but I guess I better try to go to sleep now.
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Previous PostsBirthday Blues, posted October 28th, 2013
Pet Antics, posted October 26th, 2013
When It's All Over, posted October 21st, 2013
Yuck, posted October 11th, 2013
A Letter To My Rapist, posted October 7th, 2013
New Experiences & Bad Experiences, posted September 23rd, 2013
What Is This?, posted September 20th, 2013
Update, posted September 17th, 2013
In My Own Little World, posted September 15th, 2013
The Bike Ordeal, posted September 15th, 2013
The Child Inside Confession #2, posted September 14th, 2013
The Child Inside Confession #1, posted September 13th, 2013
A New Plan, posted September 10th, 2013
Bad Driver, posted July 10th, 2013
Scraping By, posted June 12th, 2013
Best Friends Forever?, posted June 2nd, 2013
Just What I Needed, posted June 1st, 2013
According to Me, posted May 23rd, 2013
Dancing Again, posted May 17th, 2013
Better Days?, posted May 16th, 2013
My Ex Boyfriend Story, posted May 10th, 2013
That Ugly Feel, posted May 4th, 2013
Thank a Drunk Lady, posted May 1st, 2013
Burnt Out, posted April 29th, 2013
Strangers Say Hello, posted April 26th, 2013
Strange Day, posted April 25th, 2013
Continuation Of My Celebrity Obsessions Post, posted April 20th, 2013
Preparing For Exercise, posted April 20th, 2013
Follow up to my earlier post, posted April 17th, 2013
Looking Back Over My Blog Posts, posted April 17th, 2013
Sunny Day Blues, posted April 16th, 2013
A Long Winded Story Of A Crush: Warning! It's Friggin Long., posted April 15th, 2013
Breakdown, posted April 3rd, 2013
Reflections, posted March 28th, 2013
Worst Day Ever!, posted March 8th, 2013
Feelin' Good, posted March 1st, 2013
The Follow Up, posted February 13th, 2013
Another Day of Thinking, posted February 11th, 2013, 1 comment
Snow Day, posted February 9th, 2013
Epic WALK! <----With emphasis on the wrong word, posted February 6th, 2013
Unintentionally Unenthusiastic, posted February 3rd, 2013
Musings About Celebrity Obsessions, posted February 3rd, 2013
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